Workplace stress isn't always about workload. Difficult managers, challenging colleagues, unclear expectations and office politics can gradually affect confidence and well-being. Therapy can help us understand our reactions, develop practical strategies and decide what deserves our energy—and what doesn't.

Workplace stress is an area I've always found particularly interesting because work brings together so many different parts of our psychology. There is the actual job we're supposed to be doing, but layered on top of it are personalities, hierarchies, expectations, deadlines, politics, insecurity, ambition, organizational culture and the simple fact that we usually don't get to choose the people we work with.

Sometimes the workload really is the problem. But quite often someone comes to therapy saying they're overwhelmed by work, and as we talk it becomes clear that the work itself isn't what is exhausting them—the environment around the work is.

There's the manager who changes expectations and then insists they were clear all along. The colleague who somehow turns every disagreement into a personal conflict. The employee who doesn't do their share. The person who takes credit for other people's work. The passive-aggressive emails. The endless meetings. The restructuring nobody will explain. The organization that talks enthusiastically about employee well-being while quietly expecting everyone to answer messages at 9:30 at night.

And yes, sometimes there is simply an asshole at work.

Therapy doesn't require us to pretend otherwise. You Can't Do Therapy on Your Coworkers

One of the most useful realizations in dealing with difficult workplaces is also one of the most frustrating: we don't get to change the other people.

You can understand why your manager behaves the way they do. You can speculate about their insecurity, personality, leadership style or childhood. You can become remarkably sophisticated in your psychological formulation of the person in the office next door.

They may still behave exactly the same way on Monday morning.

So the practical question becomes: Given that this person may not change, how do I want to deal with them?

That shifts the focus back to something we actually have some influence over—our response, our boundaries, our communication, our documentation, our expectations and the decisions we make about how much of ourselves we're willing to invest in the situation.

Difficult People Have a Way of Finding Our Buttons

Workplaces are particularly good at activating old patterns. A critical manager can make a perfectly competent adult suddenly feel like they're 14 years old and in trouble. An unpredictable supervisor can have someone constantly monitoring the person's mood. A domineering colleague can make someone either shrink back or become unusually combative.

This is one place where I find Internal Family Systems (IFS) very useful. Rather than asking only, “Why is this person driving me crazy?”, we can also become curious about what is happening inside us.

Perhaps a people-pleasing part immediately tries to smooth everything over. A perfectionistic part decides that if we just work harder, nobody can criticize us. An angry part wants to finally tell the person exactly what we think of them. Another part is terrified of conflict and wants us to say nothing. And somewhere underneath all of this may be a much more vulnerable concern: What if I'm actually not good enough? What if I lose my job? What if nobody believes me?

The goal isn't to eliminate those reactions. It's to create enough space that they don't automatically decide what we do next.

Not Every Battle Needs to Be Fought

One of the questions I sometimes ask people is: “What outcome are you actually trying to achieve?”

That's different from asking who's right.

You may be completely right about something and still decide that proving it isn't worth the cost. Conversely, there are situations where remaining silent repeatedly is costing far more than speaking up would.

This is where workplace strategy becomes important. Is this something to let go? Something to address informally? Something that needs to be documented? Is there a pattern developing? Do you need clarification of expectations in writing? Should you speak with a manager, HR, a union representative or another appropriate resource? Or is the wisest strategy simply to stop giving a difficult person so much emotional access to you?

Being strategic isn't the same as being passive.

Sometimes the most powerful response is a carefully considered one rather than the response we desperately want to send at 11:47 p.m.

Draft the email. Don't necessarily send it yet.

Get the Problem Out of Your Head and Onto Paper

When work becomes chaotic, people often try to manage an extraordinary amount of information mentally. Deadlines, conversations, promises, tasks, worries and unresolved conflicts all circulate at once. That creates enormous cognitive load.

I have a fairly practical side to my work, and sometimes the intervention isn't particularly mysterious: we need a better system.

Write things down. Keep a task list that you actually use. Separate urgent from important. Break large projects into visible steps. Keep records of significant decisions and conversations when appropriate. After an unclear meeting, a simple follow-up email—“Just confirming my understanding of what we agreed…”—can prevent considerable confusion later.

For someone with ADHD or executive-function difficulties, externalizing this information can be particularly important. The brain doesn't need to be the filing cabinet for the entire organization.

Good organizational strategies aren't merely about productivity. They can reduce anxiety because the mind no longer has to keep reminding itself not to forget everything.

When Work Starts Affecting Your Self-Esteem

Difficult workplaces can gradually distort how people see themselves.

Someone who has been competent for 20 years gets a new manager and, six months later, is questioning everything they do. Another person works in an environment where nothing is ever quite good enough. Someone else is repeatedly excluded, undermined or criticized and begins wondering whether they're imagining it.

It's important to take workplace feedback seriously without automatically treating every piece of feedback as objective truth.

A useful question is: What is the evidence?

Have these concerns appeared throughout your career, or mainly in this environment? Do several credible people give you similar feedback, or is it coming primarily from one person? Is the criticism specific enough that you can actually respond to it? Are expectations clear and consistent? When you make the requested change, does the criticism move somewhere else?

Therapy can be a useful place to sort this out because we're not trying to prove that you're wonderful or that everybody else is terrible. We're trying to develop a reasonably accurate picture of what is happening.

Sometimes there are things we genuinely need to improve. Sometimes the environment is unhealthy. Quite often, there is a bit of both.

Boundaries at Work Are Often Small and Practical

Workplace boundaries don't usually require dramatic declarations. Often they are quite ordinary.

Not answering every non-urgent message immediately. Asking which task should take priority when you're given more work than can realistically be completed. Saying, “I can have A finished by Friday, but if B is now the priority, A will need to move to next week.” Taking lunch. Using vacation time. Not volunteering for every problem simply because you're competent enough to solve it.

For people who are accustomed to being highly responsible, this can feel surprisingly uncomfortable. They may worry that they're being difficult or uncooperative.

But a workload that requires you to continually donate your evenings, health and emotional stability isn't necessarily evidence that you need better time management. Sometimes the workload itself needs to be questioned.

Try Not to Bring the Entire Office Home With You

One of the clearest signs that workplace stress is becoming a larger problem is when the workday ends but the workplace continues running in your head.

You're making dinner while arguing with your manager in your imagination. You're lying in bed composing tomorrow's email. You're explaining the meeting to your partner for the fourth time. You wake at three in the morning and suddenly remember exactly what you should have said.

The mind is trying to solve an unresolved problem, but there comes a point where thinking about work is no longer helping you deal with work.

Sometimes we need a deliberate transition out of the workday—a walk, exercise, music, changing clothes, writing down tomorrow's priorities, a few minutes of breathing or simply telling ourselves, I've done what I can with this today. I can pick it up tomorrow.

This isn't about pretending the problem doesn't exist. It's about refusing to give the organization 24 hours of your nervous system when they're only paying for eight.

Sometimes the Question Is Whether to Stay

Not every difficult workplace needs to be abandoned. Organizations go through difficult periods. Managers change. Conflicts can be repaired. People can learn to communicate more effectively and become much better at protecting themselves from unnecessary stress.

But sometimes we also have to ask an uncomfortable question: Is this environment actually sustainable for me?

That doesn't mean quitting impulsively after a bad Tuesday. Leaving a job can have major financial, professional and family consequences. Sometimes the best strategy is to remain while quietly preparing options. Update the résumé. Explore what else exists. Talk to people. Improve a credential. Build some financial breathing room.

Having choices can itself reduce anxiety.

Feeling trapped tends to magnify workplace stress. Even discovering that you could leave can change how it feels to stay.

The Goal Is Not to Become Unbothered by Everything

I don't think successful therapy turns someone into a person who calmly smiles while everybody around them behaves badly. Anger can contain useful information. Frustration can tell us that something needs attention. Anxiety can alert us to genuine uncertainty or risk.

The goal is to become less controlled by the environment around us.

We can learn which problems deserve our energy and which don't. We can recognize when an old emotional button has been pushed. We can communicate more strategically, organize ourselves more effectively, document what needs documenting, establish clearer boundaries and protect our confidence from being determined by one difficult person or one difficult workplace.

And perhaps most importantly, we can become clearer about the distinction between our job and our identity.

Work matters. Doing it well matters. Relationships with colleagues matter. But the opinion of a manager, coworker or organization does not get to become the final authority on our worth.

So if you're spending Sunday evening already dreading Monday morning, rather than simply asking, “How do I tolerate this better?”, I might start with a broader set of questions:

“What exactly is making this so difficult? What part of it can I influence? What do I need to stop carrying? And what would a thoughtful strategy for dealing with this actually look like?”

Sometimes answering those questions can make work considerably more manageable. And sometimes they help us recognize that something more significant needs to change.

— Rory Batchilder, M.Ed., RP, CCC
Registered Psychotherapist & Canadian Certified Counsellor