Tag: marriage counselling

How to Mend a Relationship With an Estranged Child

Being estranged from your adult son or daughter can be extremely painful. Repairing a relationship is possible, but it takes time and will require patience. As the parent to your son or daughter, recognize that the first steps to repair the relationship fall on you to try to initiate contact, whether or not you believe you did anything wrong to cause the estrangement. Honor the boundaries your adult child has set with regards to your relationship and do not push back against them, but set your own boundaries as well. Learn to accept your adult child for who they are, and acknowledge their independence and ability to make their own choices.

Method 1

Reaching Out to Your Child

  1. Image titled Help Your Daughter Get Over a Bad Breakup Step 4
    1
    Be clear on what went wrong. Before you attempt to reconnect with your child, it may be helpful to find out why your adult child is upset or angry with you. You may be able to get the information directly from your child, or you may need to find out from someone else who knows the situation. In order to mend fences, find out the problem first.[1]

    • Once you have a sense of what has gone wrong, you will have some time to think through your next steps, and what you want to communicate to your son or daughter.
    • Reach out to your adult child and ask. You could say, “Renee, I know you aren’t speaking to me right now, and I would like to know what I have done to hurt you. Could you please let me know? It’s okay if you don’t want to talk to me, but please write or email. I can’t fix the problem if I don’t know what it is.”
    • If you do not hear a response from your son or daughter, you could get in touch with another family member or mutual friend who might know what’s going on. You could say, “Jack, have you talked to your sister lately? She’s not speaking to me, and I can’t find out what the problem is. Do you know what’s going on?”
    • While discovering the reason behind the estrangement would be optimal, be aware that you may not be able to find out what is going on. However, don’t let that stop you from pursuing reconnecting with your child.

  2. 2
    Do some self-reflection. Spend some time thinking about the reasons behind the estrangement. Was it triggered by something from the past? Has there recently been a huge change of life that caused the rift (such as a death in the family, or a birth of a child)? Perhaps you even refused to communicate with your child for a period of time, and now find your child unwilling to communicate with you.

    • Keep in mind that many adult children become estranged from their parents because of their parents’ broken marriage. Children from a broken marriage experienced their parents prioritizing their happiness over the needs of the child (even if the divorce was for the best). Often, in these types of situations parents may speak badly about the other parent not realizing that their children are absorbing everything that is being said. This can have a drastic negative effect on the type of relationship an adult child may have with their parents. Especially, if there was was one parent that had little to no contact during the child’s upbringing. Adult children of divorce may be dealing with the pain of feeling like a low priority to their parents.

  3. 3
    Put the ball in your own court. Whether you have done anything wrong or not, parents are generally the ones who have to take the first steps toward reconciling with their estranged children. Look past the unfairness of the issue and leave your ego behind. If you want to reconnect with your child, know that you will need to be the one to reach out…and continue reaching out.[2]

    • Whether your child is fourteen or forty, they still want to know that they are loved and valued by their parents. A way to show you love and value them is that you are willing to fight for your relationship. Keep this in mind if you struggle with the unfairness of the burden of work it takes to reconnect.

  4. 4
    Contact your child. While you may want to meet with them in person right away, it may feel less intrusive to your son or daughter if you reach out via phone call, email, or letter. Honor their need for distance and give them the opportunity to respond at the time of their choosing. Be patient and allow a few days for your child’s response.

    • Rehearse what you want to say before making a phone call. Be prepared to leave a voicemail, too. You could say, “Tommy, I would really like for us to get together to talk about how you’re feeling. Would you be willing to meet with me sometime?”
    • Send an email or text message. You could write something like, “I understand you’re dealing with a lot of pain right now, and I am so sorry that I have hurt you. When you are ready, I hope you would be willing to meet with me to talk about it. Please let me know when you are. I love and miss you.”

  5. 5
    Write a letter. Your child may be unwilling to meet with you. If that’s the case, you could decide to write them a letter. Apologize for the hurt you’ve caused, and acknowledge that you understand why they feel the way they do.

    • Writing a letter can be therapeutic for you, too. It clarifies your feelings and helps you regulate your emotions. Plus, you can take as much time as you need to get your words just the way you want them.[3]
    • Suggest that the two of you meet when they are ready. You could write, “I know you are upset right now, but I hope that, in the future, we can get together and talk about this. My door is always open.”

  6. 6
    Accept limits they set. Your adult child may be open to communicating with you, but not be ready for a face-to-face meeting (and may never be). They may only want to email you or talk on the phone. Avoid guilt-tripping your child while keeping the door open for future encounters down the road.

    • If you are in an email-only relationship with your adult child, you could write, “I’m very happy that we are communicating via email these days. I hope we can get to the point where we feel comfortable reconnecting in person, but no pressure.”
Method 2

Having a First Conversation

  1. 1
    Arrange for a meeting. If your adult child is willing to talk with you in person, get together in a public place for a meal. Sharing a meal in public is a good idea, as you will be more likely to hold your emotions in check, and sharing a meal with someone is an act of building community.[4]

    • Make sure it is just the two of you meeting. Do not bring your spouse or other supportive person along. It may give your son or daughter the sense that they are being ganged up on.

  2. 2
    Let your adult child lead the conversation. Listen to your child’s concerns without arguing against them or becoming defensive. They may also come to your meeting expecting an apology right away. If you sense that is the case, do so.[5]

    • It may be helpful to start off your meeting with an apology to let your adult child know that you understand that you caused them pain, and give them a sense of “leveling the playing field.” Once you apologize, you could ask your child to tell you more about what they have been feeling.

  3. 3
    Listen to your child without judgment. Remember that their point of view is valid, even if you disagree with it. Healing can occur when a person feels listened to and understood, and you remain open to their perspective.[6]

    • Listening without judgment and defensiveness allows a person to be honest in their responses. What you hear may be extremely hurtful to you, but understand that your child probably needs to say it and get their feelings out.
    • You could say, “I feel so terrible that I made you feel this way, and I want to understand. Can you tell me more?”

  4. 4
    Shoulder your share of the blame. Understand that you can’t get far in reconciliation without acknowledging how you may have contributed to problem. Adult children want their parents to take responsibility for their actions. Be willing to do so, whether or not you believe you are/were wrong.[7]

    • While you may not understand why your son or daughter is upset with you, recognize that they are. Don’t try to defend your behavior. Listen instead, and apologize for causing them pain.[8]
    • Try to understand where your child is coming from. Showing empathy doesn’t mean you agree with someone, just that you understand their perspective. Understanding their perspective is an important part of resolving conflict.[9]
    • You could say, “I know I pushed you a lot growing up. I wanted you to be successful. But I can understand how you thought that I was never happy with you. That is not at all what I intended, and it is not at all true. But I can see how my behavior made you think that.”

  5. 5
    Avoid discussing your feelings about the estrangement. While it may seem unfair, now is not the time to bring up your sadness and pain around not being able to communicate with your child. Recognize that they needed some space to deal with their emotions and sort some things out. Bringing up your feelings of sadness, anger, and resentment may make your adult child feel like they are being guilt-tripped, and they may feel less likely to re-enter into a relationship.

    • You could say something like, “I’ve missed talking to you, but I know sometimes you need to take some space.”
    • Do not say anything like, “I’ve been so depressed that you haven’t called me” or “Do you know the agony that I have been through, not hearing from you?”

  6. 6
    Apologize. A good apology must clearly name what you did wrong (so that the listener knows you understand), express remorse, and offer to make amends in some way. Offer your son or daughter a heartfelt apology that acknowledges the pain you have caused them. Remember, apologize even if you believe your actions to be correct. The point is now about your child’s pain, not whether someone is right or wrong.[10]

    • You could say, “Tina, I’m so sorry I hurt you so badly. I know you had to deal with a lot when I was drinking. I feel terrible that I made so many mistakes in your childhood. I understand you wanting to keep your distance from me, but I hope we can work through it.”
    • Do not make any attempts to justify your action when apologizing, even if you believe you have a legitimate excuse for the action you took. For example, “I’m sorry I slapped you five years ago, but I did it because you talked back to me,” is not an apology and puts the other person on the defensive.
    • Remember that an effective, genuine apology apologizes for your action rather than someone else’s reaction. For example, “I’m sorry that my behavior hurt you,” is an effective apology. “I’m sorry if you got hurt,” is not. Never use “if” in an apology.[11]

  7. 7
    Consider family therapy. If your adult child is willing, you may wish to seek out family therapy together in order to discuss your feelings in the presence of a trained professional. A marriage and family therapist will guide family members to identify dysfunctional family behaviors and develop their own solutions to a problem. Family therapy also works to acknowledge and enhance the connections family members have with each other.[12]

    • Family therapy is generally short-term and focuses on one problem plaguing the family. You or your child may be encouraged to see a therapist separately to focus on individual concerns.
    • To find a marriage and family therapist, you could ask your family doctor for recommendations, ask your community resource center or health department, or look online for a therapist near you.
Method 3

Respecting and Establishing Boundaries

  1. 1
    Start slowly. Resist the urge to jump back into a relationship. In most cases, a broken relationship won’t mend overnight. Depending on whether the root cause of the estrangement is mild or severe, it could take weeks, months, or even years to return to “normal.” You may also find a new normal.[13]

    • Keep in mind that you may need to have several hard conversations about the estrangement as both of you process your feelings. It is unlikely that you will have just one conversation, and then everything will be back the way it was.
    • Increase contact slowly. Meet your child alone in public places at first. Don’t invite them to loaded family events, like holiday parties, unless they seem ready and willing to attend.
    • You could say, “We’d love to have you join us at Thanksgiving, but I completely understand if you don’t want to. No hard feelings if you don’t, I know you need to take your time.”

  2. 2
    Recognize that your child is an adult. Your child is now an adult, capable of making their own decisions. You may not agree with some of their decisions, but you need to let your adult child be independent and live their own life. Meddling in your adult child’s life may have caused your child to put some distance between the two of you.[14]

    • Don’t offer unsolicited advice. Resist the urge to fix your child’s life and let them make their own mistakes.

  3. 3
    Avoid giving parenting advice. Parents can be easily upset by outside parenting advice, however well-intentioned it was meant to be. Do not offer your opinion unless asked. You’ve already raised your children, now give the next generation a chance to raise theirs.[15]

    • Let your child know that you will respect and defer to their parenting values and wishes. For example, if your grandchildren are limited to an hour of TV a day, let their parents know that you will abide by that rule in your house as well, or ask them first if it the rule needs to be broken.

  4. 4
    Seek counseling for yourself. Dealing with an estranged child can be a very stressful, painful event in your life. It may be worth seeking out a qualified mental health professional to help you deal with your emotions and develop effective communication and coping strategies.[16]

    • You may wish to find a therapist who specializes in family issues. Keep in mind, however, that your individual therapist may refer you to a different therapist if you would like to have you and your child work out your issues with a counselor present. This is so the counselor can remain objective.
    • You may also be able to find assistance in online support group forums. You will be able find other people dealing with similar issues, and can talk through your problems and share success stories.

  5. 5
    Be persistent, but not overbearing. If your son or daughter is refusing to respond to your attempts to communicate, keep trying. Send cards, write emails, or leave voicemails, letting them know you are thinking about them and want to talk.[17]

    • Make sure you give the person some space, however, and respect their need for privacy and distance. Contact them no more frequently than once a week, and reduce contact if you find out that your adult child finds this intrusive. But continue to stay in touch.
    • You could say, “Hi, Marisa, just wanted to say a quick hello and let you know I was thinking about you. I hope you’re doing well. I miss you. You know you can come to me whenever you want to talk. I love you.”
    • Don’t try to visit them. Acknowledge their boundaries and keep up with less intrusive forms of contact.

  6. 6
    Let go if necessary. Your adult child may see even your less intrusive attempts at getting in touch as overstepping boundaries and being too much. They may still not want to have anything to do with you, even if you have apologized and acknowledged your actions. In that case, it may be best to come to a place of acceptance for the sake of your own mental health, and step back from pursuing a relationship.

    • Put the ball in your child’s court. Send a note or leave a voicemail that says something like, “Peter, I understand that you want me to stop contacting you. Though it upsets me, I will respect that and will not contact you after this. If you ever want to reconnect, I will be here, but I will honor your wishes and not be in touch again. I love you.”
    • Keep in mind that reconciliation may be difficult in cases of substance abuse, mental illness, or an unhealthy relationship in your child’s marriage/partnership (for example, your child is married to a controlling spouse). Your estrangement may only be the result of these problems, but you may not be able to do anything about it until your child addresses these underlying issues.
    • If your child requests no contact at all, consider finding a therapist to help you work through your grief. This is difficult terrain to navigate, and you may find yourself needing additional support.
Method 4

Accepting Who They Are

  1. 1
    Accept that your child sees life from a different perspective. You all may have lived in the same house and spent most of your days together, but one person’s perception of a situation could still be completely different than another’s. Acknowledge that your adult child’s recollection or perspective is just as valid as yours.

    • A person’s view of the situation may be totally different based on age, the power dynamic, or closeness of relationships. For example, moving to a new city may have been great for you, but your children may have struggled because they had no choice but to tag along.[18]
    • Separate realities are a part of family life. For example, when you were a child, your parents may have taken you to a museum. Their memory of the day may be of interesting exhibits and a fun family outing. You may remember being too hot in your coat and that the dinosaur skeletons scared you. Neither your or your parents’ recollection is invalid, they are just different points of view.[19]

  2. 2
    Accept each other’s differences. You may be estranged because one, the other, or both of you do not approve of the other’s life choices. While you may not be able to do much about your child’s attitude toward you, you can show your child that you accept them for who they are, no matter what.[20]

    • Take steps to show your child your change of heart. For example, if your child is gay, and you belong to a conservative congregation, find a congregation that is more liberal and accepting.
    • You could let your child know that you are reading a certain book to try to understand their point of view.
    • If your child is not speaking to you because they disapprove of your life choices, it will be more difficult. Be firm and confident in who you are, and keep showing them you love them. Do your best to keep communicating with them and looking for opportunities to see them.

  3. 3
    Respect their right to disagree with you. You don’t have to change your opinions or beliefs, just refrain from showing disrespect for theirs. You can disagree with someone and still respect and love them. Not everyone’s opinion needs to be the same.[21]

    • Honor their differences of opinion as best you can. If you are religious and your adult child is an atheist, for example, you could decide to skip church the weekend they are visiting.
    • Find different topics of conversation than your contentious issues. If your adult child starts to engage you in conversation on topics that have made you argue in the past, you could say, “Will, let’s agree to disagree on this for right now. I think the only thing we do when we talk about this is upset each other.”

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References

  1. ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_parents_can_start_to_reconcile_with_their_kids
  2. ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_parents_can_start_to_reconcile_with_their_kids
  3. ↑ http://theweek.com/articles/611124/unexpected-benefits-writing-letters
  4. ↑ http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865606087/Defusing-the-family-feud-Steps-to-repairing-strained-or-broken-relationships.html
  5. ↑ http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865606087/Defusing-the-family-feud-Steps-to-repairing-strained-or-broken-relationships.html
  6. ↑ http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865606087/Defusing-the-family-feud-Steps-to-repairing-strained-or-broken-relationships.html
  7. ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_parents_can_start_to_reconcile_with_their_kids
  8. ↑ http://www.today.com/parents/parental-estrangement-silent-epidemic-cut-kids-1C9163139
  9. ↑ http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865606087/Defusing-the-family-feud-Steps-to-repairing-strained-or-broken-relationships.html

About This Article

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This article was co-authored by Mental Health America. Mental Health America is the nation’s leading community-based nonprofit dedicated to addressing the needs of those living with mental illness and promoting overall mental health for all. Their work is guided by the Before Stage 4 philosophy – that mental health conditions should be treated long before they reach the most critical points in the disease process. This article has been viewed 349,503 times.
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Why Do People Cheat? 9 Reasons For Infidelity That Have Nothing To Do With Sex

This can be helpful for the partner, to see a mirad of reasons that their partner strayed.

Rory

Source: Why Do People Cheat? 9 Reasons For Infidelity That Have Nothing To Do With Sex

When you think about the reasons why people cheat, what immediately springs to mind? For me, it’s sex. If a person is going to go behind their partner’s back and hook up with someone else, it stands to reason that there’s some form of physical attraction, or thrill of doing the deed with somebody new.

But experts say that’s not really why people have affairs. In fact, according to Dr. Joshua Klapow, PhD, a clinical psychologist, cheating is almost always more about emotions than sex. “What drives the person to engage in the betrayal is the real reason for cheating,” he tells Bustle.

For example, someone might have an affair if they aren’t feeling connected to, or getting validation from their partner. Should a friend or coworker come along who is willing to listen, it makes sense why that extra attention would seem appealing — and why the attraction could quickly escalate into an affair.

While that isn’t necessarily a comfort for folks who have been cheated on, it is important to look at situations like these from all angles, in order to create a stronger relationship. Here, women share why they cheated, and what the experience taught them — and experts delve into the multiple reasons why people cheat.

1
They’re Avoiding Conflict

Sometimes, when a relationship is riddled with conflict — or even when things aren’t 100% easy for a short period of time — it can cause a person to panic and run into the arms of another.

The affair isn’t so much about sex at that point, as much as it is a way of avoiding problems. “Cheating allows them to escape,” Klapow says. “They can be with a person where problems and conflicts don’t exist, where they get respite, support, and validation.”

This was the case for Deonne, 40, who saw red flags in her relationship, but wasn’t ready to face them. She says it felt like the best and easiest option, and that being with someone else “filled a void.”

2
They Have Weak Boundaries

As Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C, a marriage counselor and director of the Baltimore Therapy Center, tells Bustle, if someone has “weak boundaries,” the chances of cheating go way up. He gives the example of a person getting too close to coworker, and how an affair could quickly unfold from there.

“It is natural for us to want to connect with those around us, and it’s natural to want to take that to the next level — a romantic one — when emotional intimacy is growing,” Bilek says. And yet, while friendships are obviously always OK, people with weak boundaries can’t help but go overboard.

It’s why it’s so important for couples to discuss the “rules” of their relationship, including what is and isn’t OK, as well as what counts as cheating. “Keeping firm boundaries at work and in social situations is critical for maintaining fidelity in a relationship,” he says.

3
They Want To Save The Relationship

While it sounds weird, some people use cheating as “a cry for help to save the relationship before they give up on it entirely,” Bethany Ricciardi, a sex and relationship expertf tells Bustle.

Yes, the cheater may go out and have sex. But that wasn’t technically their main goal or interest, she says. Instead, the affair may be the cheating partner’s (unhealthy) way of telling their significant other that they’ve been unhappy, and want to get a conversation started.

Again, this isn’t the best way to approach a partner about where a relationship is headed, or what it needs to succeed. And yet it often works: Some couples do find that they’re stronger after cheating, because the betrayal inspired them to communicate more, and work out their issues.

4
They Want To End The Relationship

On the flip side, some folks turn to cheating as a way of breaking up with their partner. “Rather than come out and say that they want to end the relationship, the person cheats hoping that their partner will find out and break up with them,” Emily Mendez, MS, EdS, a mental health expert, tells Bustle.

They may secretly hope their partner sees illicit texts popping up on their phone, or starts to wonder why they’re staying out so late at night and eventually asks what’s up. It’s obviously so much healthier (and kinder) to end things outright. But for those who struggle with direct communication, they might find themselves taking the cheating route, instead.

5
They Had An Abusive Past

Raina, 44, says the reason she cheated stemmed from an abusive childhood, which landed her in an abusive first marriage, and then in an unloving second marriage. Both times she cheated on her husband, first as a way of getting out of a toxic situation, and second as a way to continue on a path of self improvement.

“I had spent two years in therapy trying to get over past abuse,” she tells Bustle. But her second husband wasn’t listening to her needs, or helping her along the way. In fact, he was even encouraging her to stop taking helpful medication.

Frustrated, when another man came along, she couldn’t help but start an affair with him. “He gave me space, but also support,” she says, which helped her feel confident enough to continue working through what she’d been through in her past, and to seek out what she wanted for her future.

“Today, I am independent and strong. I don’t feel the need to depend on a man. While I do regret hurting people, I can’t regret either of my affairs. One gave me my children and the other gave me myself.”

6
They Want To Boost Their Self-Esteem

Not everyone who lacks confidence will have an affair in order to feel better. But experts say this is yet another reason why someone might sneak around behind their partner’s back.

“When someone is feeling down about [themselves] the thrill of sex with a new/forbidden person provides a temporary feeling of self-worth,” Tracy K. Ross, LCSW, a couples therapist, tells Bustle. “For example if things aren’t going well at work and [they] feel uncertain about [their] value, an outside lover can temporarily address that feeling.”

Nothing’s better than positive attention, flirty texts, and the excitement of being wanted. So when someone is feeling bad about themselves, cheating becomes all the more tempting.

7
They’re Lonely

“The majority of people who cheat are not fulfilled emotionally,” Ellen Bolin, a certified professional relationship coach, tells Bustle, which explains why so many people turn to emotional affairs — which often lead to physical affairs — as a way of curing a sense of loneliness within a relationship.

This is, of course, not the best way to solve the issue. Painful affairs can be avoided if couples speak up and let one another know when/if they’ve feeling neglected, unheard, or lonely.

8
They’re Bored

If someone is bored with their relationship, it makes sense why they might turn to cheating as a way of spicing things up for themselves. But experts say, more often than not, cheating is a choice made by those who are bored with their own life in general, and that has little to do with their partner.

“It’s a way to feel alive, special, seen by someone else,” Ross says. “[And] the sneaking around is often more exciting than the sex itself.” In other words, having something to hide, and something that adds a bit of danger to their life, can give them the exciting story they’re looking for.

These reasons all make sense. But, as Deonne says, it’s important to remember that “cheating is a temporary fix to a deeper issue.”

9
They’re Seeking Revenge

Cheating may also be an act of revenge, which can stem from anger — for any number of reasons. “The person may be frustrated in their relationship, or feel like their partner doesn’t care, doesn’t listen, doesn’t support them,” Klapow says. “In an act of defiance — but also avoidance of the problem at hand — the person cheats. So instead of directly confronting the problem, they avoid it and act out by cheating.” And that’s not cool.

Knowing an affair isn’t always all about sex won’t make it any less painful for the person being cheated on, but it may help both members of a relationship understand why it happened in the first place. By talking about problems before they get out of hand — and making sure you’re both fulfilled — an affair doesn’t have to happen.

Experts:

Dr. Joshua Klapow, PhD, clinical psychologist

Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C, marriage counselor

Bethany Ricciardi, sex and relationship expert

Emily Mendez, MS, EdS, mental health expert

Tracy K. Ross, LCSW, couples therapist

Ellen Bolin, certified professional relationship coach

How to Connect With Your Spouse After a Long Workday

https://www.verywellmind.com/is-work-affecting-how-well-you-connect-with-your-spouse-4138231

By

Elizabeth McGrory

Liz McGrory
Updated on January 22, 2020

Once you’re finally home from work, you might flop down next to your spouse and ask, “How was your day?” They’ll likely reply, “Good.” They may go into detail or they may not. You may forget that you even asked the question while zoning out.

This person that you’re building a life with is pretty important. You know that. But after a long workday, possibly getting the kids bathed and in bed, plus cleaning up the house a bit, you have little energy left to connect with your spouse. The same goes for them, too. You love each other, but you’re exhausted.

Regardless of your energy levels, you’re in this life together and failing to make time to truly connect with each other can erode your relationship. So, here are six ways you can strengthen your bond that work even when you’re feeling wiped out.1

1

Ask Open-Ended Questions to Invoke Conversation

Ask open-ended questions to jump start your conversation

Getty Images / Gary John Norman

A close-ended question will result in a one-word response like “Okay” or “Fine”. We may use it as a warm-up for an in-depth conversation we’d like to start but instead, skip it. Get straight to the point and don’t waste your time and energy.

First, get your spouse’s attention, especially if they’ve already zoned out with electronics. Look them in the eyes, say hi, and then use the language of love. Go in for the kiss! Ah, now we’re talking! Contact has been made.2

Now, hook them into the conversation and ask a question like, “What was the best part of your day today?” to get them talking about something that excited instead of what stressed them out. Another question you could as is “What was your most important encounter today?” to learn who they connected with and what that was like.

Then, the most important part, listen with all your heart. Resist the urge to pick up your phone and mute the T.V. if you must. Leave the spotlight on them for as long as possible so that you can give each other your full attention.

Use the Language of Love

Use the language of love to connect with your spouse after a long work day

Pexels / Unsplash.com

Words are not the only way to connect with your spouse after a long day. If you don’t have the energy for a love-fest there are alternatives. You could have a long hug when you first see each other. When you feel like letting go, hug for a few more seconds and feel the connection between your hearts. Feels good, doesn’t it? Or give your spouse some really good kisses all night when they least expect it! You haven’t seen each other in over eight hours. Show them some love!

If this public display of affection bothers the kids physically make contact in discreet ways. You could hold hands while watching T.V. or walk hand in hand while taking the kids out for a walk. If your spouse is doing the dishes (yippee!), go up behind them and put your arms around them. This might feel funny, but that’s part of the game of love, right? Another idea is while on your tablets or laptops, touch their feet or legs with yours.

Reminisce About the Good Old Days

Take a trip down memory lane to connect with your spouse

Getty Images / Chris Ryan

If you don’t feel like hashing out your day talk about a specific funny or loving memory you shared. 3For example, you can ask, “Do you remember that time in Hawaii when we took our first helicopter ride and saw all those amazing waterfalls?” Then, enjoy the trip down memory lane.

Reminiscing takes you away from the stress of the daily grind. It sends you back to a happier time and thus gives you a burst of energy when you need it most, at the end of your day. You’ll feel grateful you were able to have that experience with your spouse. Your past has helped bring you both to where you are today.

Go to Bed Early – Together

Go to bed early with your spouse to connect after a long day

Getty Images / Lilly Bloom

Recoup from a tiring day by getting into bed early and at the same time. So, get ready for the next day together, like making coffee, putting out breakfast, or packing lunches together. Then, brush your teeth and get frisky or cuddle. Or, be silly—humor is a great way to bond! 3Then, jump under the covers and snuggle.

Snuggle time makes you feel secure and love. At the end of the day, a bit of affection tends to make us feel better, right? No words need, just getting warm and comfortable to prepare for a good night sleep.2

Smile at Each Other Often

Smile at each other, even if you don't feel happy, to connect with your spouse

Getty Images / SCC

Let’s say you come home in a bad mood. Although your spouse had nothing to do with that we tend to take out our frustrations on those we care about the most. With this perspective in mind, if you want to get over this bad mood and be able to connect with your spouse in a positive way, smile at them.

Psychologist and facial coding expert, Paul Ekman, discovered that if you smile with both your lips and eyes, even if it’s fake, it’ll put you in a better mood. Also, since we are wired to be social if your spouse sees you smiling, they can’t resist by smile back.4 Put this in your toolkit when you want to get your spouse out of their bad mood!

Start a Bucket List Together

Make a bucket list together to connect with yoru spouse

Getty Images / ZoneCreative

What do you want to do before you die? What does your spouse what to do before they die? After the kids are asleep start your bucket list. How many similar things do you want to accomplish?

This conversation connects you by dreaming about possibilities. These things don’t have to be done this weekend. They are goals you’d like to accomplish within your lifetime. This perspective takes the pressure off checking off the list and instead you dream together. Making plans this way can excite you both and give you another burst of energy at the end of a long day.

A Word From Verywell

At the end of the day, your marriage needs your attention. Not your undivided attention, and perhaps not every day. But making an effort, even a small one, will pay off in a closer connection and healthier marriage. Taking the time to nurture this relationship lets your partner know you care and that they (and your marriage) are a top priority—and helps keep your relationship strong.

Gaslighting Risk: Why Adults with ADHD Are Particularly Vulnerable to Manipulation

The Gaslighting Risk: Why Adults with ADHD Are Particularly Vulnerable to Manipulation

 

By Stephanie Sarkis, Ph.D.

What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological or emotional abuse — a series of manipulative techniques designed to gain control of another person. By blatantly and repeatedly lying or challenging reality, the gaslighters keep their victims off-kilter and make them question themselves. Many times, a person’s diagnosis of ADHD is used against him or her by the gaslighter. I have been a therapist for 20 years, and lately I have seen more and more clients with ADHD reporting being gaslighted in their relationships and at their jobs.

One of the best defenses against gaslighting is to educate yourself about this kind of emotional abuse. Adults with ADHD may be more vulnerable to gaslighting due to issues with self-esteem, difficulty with past relationships, and feelings of guilt and shame. Know that there is hope, and you can rebuild your life after living with gaslighting for months or even years.

Gaslighting Behaviors

Gaslighters sometimes hide their partners’ belongings and blame their partners for being “irresponsible,” “lazy,” or “so ADHD” when they can’t find the items. A gaslighter may also tell their partner that they don’t need to take medication for ADHD because “I know what you need better than some doctor does.”

Gaslighting behaviors include:

  • Telling you that you didn’t see or hear something
  • Cheating often, but obsessively accusing you of cheating
  • Saying that other people think you are crazy
  • Pitting you against people (this is known as “triangulating”)
  • Idealizing you, then devaluing you, and finally discarding the relationship

[Take This Self-Test: Emotional Hyperarousal in Adults]

Why and How Gaslighters Target People with ADHD

Gaslighters sense vulnerabilities in a person. They specifically target people who are grieving a loss or who feel inadequate or isolated. If you have ADHD, you probably grew up with the feeling that you were “less than.” You may have had difficulties maintaining friendships or relationships. You may have been dismissed by others who said you were “difficult.”

When you meet a gaslighter for the first time, he or she will do something called “love bombing.” They will tell you everything you have wanted to hear from someone, especially after a lifetime of rejection. The purpose of the behavior is to hook you. Once you are committed to the relationship, the gaslighter begins abusive behavior.

Early on, the gaslighter asks you about your fears and inadequacies. It feels good to have someone listening to you and caring about what you have to say. However, the gaslighter is gathering data to be used as ammunition against you later. You may eventually hear, “No wonder your sister doesn’t talk to you anymore. She knows you’re crazy, too.”

[Download This: 6 Ways ADHD Sabotages Relationships]

If you leave the relationship, the gaslighter will “hoover” — drawing you back. They will send messages through friends and family that they miss you. They will promise you the world, but will never apologize. They don’t think they did anything wrong. The threat of losing their ability to manipulate you motivates a gaslighter to get you back in their clutches. But once you return, everything promised to you disappears, and your relationship becomes more abusive than before.

How to Escape Gaslighting In a Relationship

For most people, leaving a gaslighting relationship means “no contact — at all.” Block phone numbers and email addresses. Tell friends and family that you will not listen to any messages sent through them. You should also meet with a licensed mental health professional; having ADHD makes you vulnerable to anxiety and mood disorders. Set up and follow through with an ADHD treatment plan, and re-establish connections with the healthy people in your life. If you have children with a gaslighter, meet with an attorney to establish a detailed parenting plan.

Gaslighting at the Workplace

Sometimes bosses and coworkers take advantage of the fact that someone has ADHD. They will accuse you of being forgetful or not caring about your work.

Ask your boss or coworker to send you an email with instructions or details of an assignment. If you complete the assignment and are told later that you didn’t do what was asked, refer to that email, instead of blaming yourself. Also, get to know the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission’s definition of workplace harassment, found at eeoc.gov/laws/types/harassment.cfm.

[Subscribe to the ADDitude Newsletter for Women with ADHD]

Stephanie Sarkis, Ph.D., the author of Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People, is a licensed and board-certified mental health counselor, and a Florida Supreme Court-certified family and civil mediator based in Tampa. She is a best-selling author, the host of the Talking Brains podcast, and is a contributor to Psychology Today, Forbes, and HuffPost. You can reach Stephanie at stephaniesarkis.com.

Updated on January 29, 2020

The End of Sex

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/darwins-subterranean-world/201910/the-end-sex

Verified by Psychology Today

Glenn Geher Ph.D.

When evolution, human sexuality, and the Western world collide.

Posted Oct 06, 2019

Note: This guest post is co-authored by Marianne Brandon and James Simon, with an epilogue by Glenn Geher.

His wife had gone to bed early, so he locked the basement door to ensure privacy. He had planned this moment all day. Unlike his wife, who seemingly had lost interest in sex years ago, his lover was waiting downstairs, eager to please. Never critical or demanding, with such soft eyes and skin, sex had become such a pleasure. He had even come to love the way his lover pronounced his name. In spite of being a robot, she somehow managed to say it with such tenderness. . .

Panajiotis Pixabay
Source: Panajiotis Pixabay

We have become a massive, unintended sexual experiment. Our understanding of sex and gender is evolving at astonishing rates. Paradoxically, as powerful, exhilarating, and necessary as this process is for our collective future, we are simultaneously at a perilous moment for the future of intimacy and intimate relationships.

Forcing sex into a politically correct paradigm annihilates it. 

Sexual frequency today is less than all prior decades studied—at least, people are having less sex with their partners. Rates of sexual dissatisfaction and sexual dysfunction are astoundingly high. This is due to a variety of factors that are merging to create a perfect storm—technological advances, mobile lifestyles, increasing daily tasks, rising expectations for long-term relationships, and information overload.

Yet there is something even more fundamentally awry. The very empowering of women and the culturally valued softening of men has suddenly created a new way of engaging in the bedroom as much as in the boardroom, and our evolutionary psychology has not caught up. This is a serious social problem because intimacy is not an expendable aspect of humanity.

Our insistence that men and women are more alike than different is true in almost all aspects of living, except for sex. Human sexuality—the sexuality of all mammals in general and primates in particular—has primal, biological roots. And when people work with, rather than against, these instincts, their sex gets better. Gender equality does not imply gender equivalence—at least, not in the bedroom.

The extraordinary gains provided by the feminist movement have been a thrilling first in modern history. Women’s expectations about sex have appropriately changed: They demand more pleasure from sex and an equal romantic partnership; women are more comfortable engaging in sexually open behaviors, including hook-ups and sexual experimentation.

It is not just women who have benefited. In contrast to old-fashioned, male sexual stereotypes, many mature men today enjoy sexually assertive women. They appreciate a social climate that supports releasing restrictive pressures always to be ready and interested in sex: always having to be the sexual initiator, and being responsible for their partners’ sexual pleasure. These shifts are reflected in many men gravitating to sexual relationships with older women, their interest in being the primary caretaker of their children, and a decreased concern with being the primary breadwinner of a household.

Many men are pleased to have escaped the pressure of old-fashioned stereotypes of masculinity—being eternally dominant, carrying the financial burden of the household, having a reduced role in parenting, and avoiding emotional expression. And those who identify with a non-binary sexual identity may now live authentically, with freedom of self-expression.

In spite of these many hard-fought liberties for all genders, in some surprising and very significant ways, sex has become more complicated. In the privacy of our respective psychological medical practices, we regularly hear women say, “In the bedroom, he is passive. Almost meek. It’s hard to respect him, let alone have sex with him!” Or, “He’s so cautious and hesitant in the bedroom! It’s such a turnoff.”

Outside of sexual role play in certain fetishistic circles, for most women, there is no pleasure in sexually dominating a weaker partner. For women in long-term, committed relationships, the exquisite feeling of sexual surrender may paradoxically be more likely to unfold with men who express their sensuality in a more bold, self-assured style—literally, when she’s not the strongest force in the bedroom.

The truth is that modern women enjoy the more lusty, primal aspects of love-making. Polite sex holds little interest for them—they’d rather do the dishes. And what about men? Despite the valuable outing of abhorrent men via #MeToo, our culture is filled with men who respect women, and who long to share fulfilling sexual relationships with the women they love.

These men have learned that to show respect to their female partners, they should obtain verbal permission for sex, and to avoid at all costs any behavior in the bedroom that may be regarded as aggressive or dominant. This sounds right in theory. Yet behind the closed doors of our offices, wives and girlfriends experience these men as passive and uninteresting in the bedroom. And before long, sex ceases.

What we are failing to recognize is that exciting, primal sex in a trusting, respectful relationship requires the same elements we vilify in men today. We teach men to contain their sexual interest, resist assertive overtures, and hide their sexual longing. How confusing it must be for a man to develop a sensitive, responsive, polite sexual style, only to be ultimately told by the woman he marries that he is a boring and uninteresting lover. How depressing for a woman who is confident and secure in her sexuality to feel sexually unmet by the man who is to be her sexual playmate for a lifetime.

Experiencing her partner’s sexual confidence and longing is a fundamental aspect of good sex for a majority of women. Stripping men of their sexual assertiveness diffuses women’s sexual pleasure. Women are not experiencing this shift in their relationship and sexual dynamics as empowering. They are grief-stricken over what their lives are missing.

In our noble efforts to make sex politically correct, we are ignoring a fundamental aspect of sexuality. Exciting sex—primal sex—emanates from the more ancient biology we share with other mammals. Our biological nature has instilled in all male and female mammals some basic, unique instincts that make them want sex. Human bodies continue to respond to sexual triggers as our ancestors did, thousands of years ago.

Our combination of an evolved cerebral cortex coupled with our primitive sexual biology presents interesting and often challenging scenarios for us all. While our minds have matured and evolved to think in very different ways than our primate ancestors, our bodies continue to receive sexual marching orders from our more primitive brain regions. Herein lies the potential for infinite difficulty. Without comfort with our most basic sexual instincts as male or female, it is challenging to build a creative sexual repertoire with a beloved long-term partner.

Without sex, couples describe themselves as best friends. Proud as such couples may be of feeling close and connected, they lack the desire to make love. What’s at stake here is something very basic to our humanity—our deepest connection to our chosen other, and to our own sexual selves.

We are heading down a dangerous path, yet we also have before us an extraordinary opportunity. For the first time in history, because of the equality and respect prompted by the feminist movement, we have the capacity to manifest extraordinary sex in long-term, committed relationships. Triumphantly, a woman can now choose to feel vulnerable during sex, because it feels good—not because she is forced into that role.

Exploring sex and relationships from an evolutionary perspective does not imply that men and women are destined to return to fixed sexual roles. An immutable sexual style would be unappealing for most modern couples. But comfort in our most basic instincts enables couples to manifest potent sexual reflexes that have more recently been denied.

Our next undertaking as feminists, male and female, is to return to our core and collect what is precious that we have lost in these last decades of battle. Our efforts to make sex less about the primal brain and, instead, more politically correct, are forcing exciting sex onto a darker playground. Increasingly, men and women are seeking outlets for their primal sexual energy that can be damaging to their intimate relationships, such as overuse of porn and extramarital affairs.

Sex robots will soon offer non-critical, always-available alternatives for those who find sexual relationships uncomfortably complex, anxiety-provoking, or just too much hassle. Technology can accomplish what sex used to—procreation and sexual satisfaction.

This future is not simply a sci-fi story. It is the next logical step from where we are. However, we can choose a different path. Passionate love-making and intimacy do not have to be a casualty of our social growth. Harnessing sexual instincts within a trusting, mutually respectful, intimate relationship can offer the glue that keeps intimacy strong and desirable. It feeds more than our sexual needs; it feeds the soul of our humanity.

Epilogue, by Glenn Geher

Understanding our sexuality is foundational to understanding the human experience. The nature of human sexuality evolved over millennia. Reproduction is as basic as any process when it comes to the living world.

Cultural evolution, which is ultimately a product of our biological evolution, progresses at a rapid pace compared with the pace of organic evolution. Cultural evolution is exciting and profound. As Drs. Brandon and Simon have articulated so clearly here, norms surrounding relationships and sexuality, resulting from cultural evolution, have been advancing at breakneck speed over the past several decades, leading to all kinds of novel attitudes, beliefs, and technologies.

While our brave new world has lots of amazing new opportunities and affordances for all of us, we need to always keep in mind that the modern world is deeply mismatched from ancestral human conditions in many important ways. (For more, see, Positive Evolutionary Psychology, by Geher & Wedberg.) And evolutionary mismatch often leads to problems.

When modern technology and human mating meet head-on, as is the case with sex robots and pornography, we need to look before we leap. Our evolved relationship psychology is the result of thousands of generations of organic evolution. As Drs. Brandon and Simon warn, we ignore our evolved sexual psychology to our own peril.

Marianne Brandon is a clinical psychologist and Diplomat in sex therapy. She is the author of Monogamy: The Untold Story, co-author of Reclaiming Desire: 4 Keys to Finding Your Lost Libido, and author of the ebook Unlocking the Sexy In Surrender: Using the Neuroscience of Power to Recharge Your Sex Life, as well as professional articles exploring evolutionary theory and sexuality, the challenges of monogamy, gender differences in sexual expression, and aging and sex.

James Simon is a clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology at the George Washington University School of Medicine, and he is the current President of the International Society for Study of Women’s Sexual Health. Simon served as principal investigator on more than 300 clinical trials, research grants, and scholarships in the area of women’s health. He has consistently been ranked as a top doctor nationally and internationally.

Facebook image: silverkblackstock/Shutterstock

Residential school survivor uses poetry, psychotherapy to heal – Saskatoon – CBC News

A poet and residential school survivor is releasing her latest collections of poems, and she says they have been instrumental in healing from the scars of residential schools.

Source: Residential school survivor uses poetry, psychotherapy to heal – Saskatoon – CBC News

Louise Bernice Halfe was was born in Two Hills, Alta., and completed programs at the University of Regina and University of Saskatchewan. She attended the Blue Quills Residential School, near St. Paul, Alta., for six years.

While the recently finished Truth and Reconciliation Commission was intended to help survivors heal, Bernice Halfe said the process opened old wounds. This collection of poetry, Burning in this Midnight Dream, helped heal those wounds.

Traditional ceremonies, psychology needed to help others

“It’s been extremely challenging and frightening as well,” she said of the process of walking backward, and retracing her past through the poetry. “What scared me was the feeling of being exposed and vlunerable.”

She said she needed to press ahead as a process of “accepting responsibility of my own actions and behaviours,” but the poetry is “also for the people who don’t have the vocabulary to articulate the shame and the pain and the anger that goes within their own stories.”

Bernice Halfe has training in drug and alcohol counseling, and in social work. She also emphasized the importance of psychotherapy and talking as tools for healing.

‘How do you recover as quickly as the people in the Canadian public want us to recover? I don’t know; I hope it’s possible. It’s very very hard.’– Louise Bernice Halfe

When asked how she wants to contribute to conversations on the legacy around residential schools, she described a photograph that showed her parents’ wedding and all of her relatives connected to her parents.

“There’s been a generational impact on whole communities. How do you recover as quickly as the people in the Canadian public want us to recover? I don’t know. I hope it’s possible. It’s very, very hard,” she said.

Bernice Halfe said she wants to see more aboriginal therapists and psychologists. “Not the kind that just prescribe pills,” she said.

Part of that responsibility is shared by the government, which she said has been insufficient in providing deep healing for aboriginal communities to recover from the legacy of residential schools.

“I would like to see more people trained in psychotherapy, along with their [traditional] ceremonial practices,” she said. “We needing funding for education in our communities. We also need mental health services closer to the communities.

“I’m talking about talk therapy. I’m talking about psychologists,” she emphasized.

Louise Bernice Halfe launches her latest collection of poems on Thursday at McNally Robinson in Saskatoon at 7 p.m. CST.

Why Isn’t Psychotherapy Covered By Health Care? | Chris Curry

In terms of health care, we have it pretty good. If you are unfortunately diagnosed with cancer, most, if not all of your treatment will be paid for. If you break your leg, you can go to the ER and get a cast and leave without a bill. If you require surgery, the government will pay for that too. But what if your issue isn’t physical? What if what’s holding you back in life is a mental concern? Well, then you’re kind of out of luck.

Source: Why Isn’t Psychotherapy Covered By Health Care? | Chris Curry

 

There are indeed mental health services that are covered by provincial programs such as OHIP here in Ontario. We are all allowed free access to psychiatrists, which sounds great on the surface. But the real story is that most psychiatrists are incredibly overworked and many have waiting lists over a year long. For anyone who has ever experienced a mental health crisis, you know that waiting a year just isn’t an option.

And if you are mentally well enough to wait for that year (or more) there is only so much a psychiatrist can do for you with their limited time and vast client lists. Sure, they can prescribe and monitor your medication. But they typically don’t have time to sit down with you week after week and get to the real reasons why you are facing either depression, anxiety, addiction or any other mental health issue.

Psychotherapists specialize in that kind of ‘getting to the root of the problem’ type of therapy. And each year, countless lives are changed by the hundreds of excellent psychotherapists we have in this country. But for every life that is changed by psychotherapy, their lives are also changed by way of having to spend their hard-earned money and by prioritizing their mental health, sometimes at the expense of other important bills.

Whenever I am discussing treatment with a new client, their first question is inevitably ‘is this covered by the government?’

My answer has to unfortunately be ‘no, it’s not. But someday, I sure hope it will be.’

There are of course some private benefit packages that do cover psychotherapy but most of us are not lucky enough to have such in depth personal coverage from our employers. And that leaves many paying out of pocket for what can be a fairly costly expenditure.

If therapy was free for everyone in Canada, we would see an incredible reduction in the amount of sick days due to depression and anxiety. Productivity would go through the roof and our emergency rooms would be able to focus more of physical injuries instead of having to attend to mental health crises as well.

We are a progressive country and we lead in many areas. Unfortunately we are falling flat when it comes to mental health treatment. We’ve decided that only the rich and prosperous can have access to therapy.

And that just doesn’t sound very progressive to me.

Our Time Is Up: Ending the Therapeutic Relationship

Our Time Is Up: Ending the Therapeutic Relationship.

November 28, 2012 • By Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC, Person Centered / Rogerian Psychotherapy Topic Expert Contributor

You entered therapy feeling broken, lonely, anxious, dissatisfied with your relationships and your career. Now you feel whole and healthy; your relationships have improved, and you’ve made some professional changes that have led to a more fulfilling career. You feel good about yourself. Life isn’t perfect, but you have come to accept these imperfections, and you feel equipped to handle life’s challenges when they come your way. Congratulations! The time, effort, and willingness to openly and honestly explore the most complex and painful areas of yourself and your life have paid off. Therapy worked. Now what? You have a standing weekly appointment with your therapist, and you have probably developed a strong therapeutic alliance with him or her. But lately you have noticed that you don’t feel a need to go to therapy and you struggle to find ways to fill the hour. These are some strong indicators that you are ready to leave therapy.

For most people, therapy is not forever. Very few people have reason to be in therapy for life. In fact, many of the people who make therapy a way of life are therapists. They have a personal and professional responsibility to maintain high levels of self-awareness. They must take precautions to ensure that their issues are not getting in the way of helping their clients, and that they are not letting their clients’ issues prevent them from living their own lives. Weekly therapy sessions can create the time, space, and support for therapists to do just that.

Certainly, there are some people who are not therapists who also come to view therapy as a way of life. These people are often deeply dedicated to self-growth, and therapy may provide the support they need as they pursue constantly evolving personal goals. However, the vast majority of people who come to therapy do so with the intent of getting help with something specific. Whether it is something as broad as wanting to feel better or something as narrow as making a decision about a career move, people usually bring a specific goal to therapy. For some, these goals can be achieved in a few short months, while for others, it can take years. But ultimately there is a resolution and they feel ready to end therapy. Thequestion then is how to do it.

One of the things people find most useful about therapy is that there is nothing you can’t talk about in a session—including your relationship with your therapist. In fact, a growing body of research indicates that much of the positive change produced by therapy comes as a result of the therapeutic relationship. For example, if your relationships improved while you were in therapy, it is likely, in part, because you learned new ways of being in relationships by actively participating in your therapeutic relationship. So take the well-honed skill set that you developed in therapy and open a discussion with your therapist about ending the therapeutic relationship.

This will likely come as no surprise to your therapist. He or she knows what you came in to work on and knows that you have achieved your goal. Plus, this is a natural part of the process—all therapists in training learn about how to help clients work through this final stage, called termination. This is a prime opportunity to review the goals that brought you to therapy and to reflect on the growth that allowed you to accomplish them. This part of therapy is kind of like a graduation ceremony—it is an opportunity to step back, look at how far you have come, and revel in your success. And, as with graduations, it is an opportunity to ponder and plan for what comes next. Part of termination involves reinforcing the coping skills that evolve during therapy and reminding clients to continue to draw upon them in the future. Another important part of this process is to identify indicators that may signal the need to return to therapy in the future.

Finally, working through the process of termination with your therapist will allow you the opportunity to process the ending of a powerful and unique relationship. While this is a deeply genuine relationship, it is also one that exists within strictly prescribed boundaries—within the therapist’s office during appointment times. Of course, there may have been phone calls and additional meetings scheduled during times of crisis, but there isn’t a healthy way to continue the relationship you have formed with your therapist outside of therapy. Feelings of grief, loss, and anxiety about ending the therapeutic relationship often come up, and termination is designed to address these feelings. Like all aspects of therapy, this can be a difficult process, but seeing it through can be invaluable in helping you continue to develop and implement the kind of sophisticated relational skills that enable you to have deeper, more meaningful, and authentic relationships.

© Copyright 2012 by Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC, therapist in Brooklyn, NY. All Rights Reserved.

The secret to desire in a long-term relationship | Video on TED.com

Writer of the book, Mating in Captivity.
Very good talk,
 
    Rory
    *****

Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship | Video on TED.com

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Ted Logo

Speakers Esther Perel: Sex therapist

Esther Perel

In her practice and writing, Esther Perel helps loving couples navigate between the comfort of happy relationships and the thrilling uncertainty of sexual attraction.

Why you should listen to her:

Psychotherapist Esther Perel is changing the conversation on what it means to be in loveand have a fulfilling sex life. For the first time in human history, couples aren’t having sex just to have kids; there’s room for sustained desire, for couples to cultivate long-term sexual relationships. But how? Perel, a licensed marriage and family therapist, travels the world to help people answer this question.

For her research Perel works across cultures and is herself fluent in nine languages. She coaches and consults organizations and families, holds a private psychotherapy practice in New York, and speaks regularly on erotic intelligence, trauma, conflict resolution and infidelity. She is the author of Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic.

“Perel’s ideas are … instantly familiar because they resonate deeply. It’s all rather terrifying in its intuitiveness and its pure rightness.”

The Observer (UK)

Email to a friend »

Quotes by Esther Perel

  • “The very ingredients that nurture love — mutuality, reciprocity, protection, worry, responsibility for the other — are sometimes the very ingredients that stifle desire.”

    Watch this talk »

  • “What is the relationship between love and desire? How do they relate, and how do they conflict? … Therein lies the mystery of eroticism.”

    Watch this talk »

  • “‘When I look at my partner radiant and confident,’ — [that’s] probably the biggest turn-on across the board.”

    Watch this talk »

Separation and Divorce: Child Custody, Division of Property, & Common Law Marriage

 

Separation and Divorce: Child Custody, Access, and Parenting Plans  

 When parents separate, they need to arrange how they will share the parenting of their children. If they cannot agree, they may have to go to court. The court must decide based on what is best for the child. In family law, this is called the “best interests” of the child . . .

 

 

When you and your partner separate, you will have to divide your property. Property means anything you own, such as your homes, cars, personal and household items, pensions, bank accounts and any other investments. Property also includes debts. Property rights are totally different for people who are legally married and those who live common law. If you are living common law, you do not have the same property rights as women who are married . . .

 Common Law Marriage             Canadian Divorce Laws     

People living in a common law marriage are not considered married under Canadian law. However, when their relationship ends, many of their rights are the same as for people in a regular marriage. There are also many important differences.

To be considered a common law marriage, the couple must live together a certain period of time. The amount of time varies from province to province, as this is covered by provincial legislation, but is generally two to three years.For instance, in Ontario and New Brunswick, the period is three years. In British Columbia and Nova Scotia, the period is two years. To complicate matters further, Federal legislation often specifies a different period for a relationship to be considered a common law marriage for federal law purposes – normally only one year. Some provinces, such as Ontario, also consider a couple to be in a common law marriage if they have a child together and are living together, regardless of the length of time that they have lived together . . .

How to Divorce and Not Wreck the Kids – Doc Zone

Celia. Photo credit: Roland Rickus

HOW TO DIVORCE & NOT WRECK THE KIDS

Watch the full episode online.

43:47 minutes 

 

How to Divorce & Not Wreck the Kids takes viewers inside one of life’s most devastating transitions as three Canadian couples, determined to keep the needs of their children first, work through their separations on camera.

The “divorce from hell” stories grab headlines: couples who spend hundreds of thousands of dollars destroying each other and, incidentally, their children. But in this country, there is another reality. Grassroots Canadians are at the heart of a quiet revolution – couples working on “good” divorces, which acknowledge that the end of a marriage isn’t the end of a family. Because research says: separating parents who co-operate can raise children who are as emotionally healthy as kids from intact families.

Lionel and Sally with children Rhys and and Gareth

As filming begins, the split between Sally and Lionel is still fresh and raw. And cooperating will be a challenge for Sally since she didn’t want the marriage to end. Sally and Lionel were married for 17 years and are parents to three boys, from 11 to 4 years old. They agree to a new and controversial process called Collaborative Divorce, because they believe it will help them focus on what’s best for their children. If only anger and bitterness don’t derail the process.

Roland and Carolye were married for 13 years and have two kids. They transitioned out of their marriage into something of a friendship — but that friendship will be tested as Roland seeks 50-50 custody of their children. Carolye and Roland will try to hammer out an agreement without professional help, using a do-it-yourself divorce kit.

Mike and Melissa with their twins.

After five years of marriage and three-year-old twins, Mike and Melissa split shortly after Christmas, the busiest time in the divorce world. They’re each passionate about being there for all the important moments in the children’s lives, even though it’s uncomfortable being in the same room together. When they reach an impasse in their separation negotiations, Mike and Melissa turn to a mediator to break the deadlock.

Three courageous Canadian couples invite you to witness the end of their marriages…as they struggle to overcome their anger and fear and stay focused on How to Divorce & Not Wreck the Kids.

How to Divorce & Not Wreck the Kids is produced by Bountiful Films Inc. in association with the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation.

Take a journey every Thursday night as DOC ZONE explores the major stories of our time. Around the corner, around the world, our cameras bring viewers a sweeping panoramic view of what matters most to Canadians.

Episode Features

NEW: Information for Kids

Want to help your child understand what’s happening as you separate or divorce? 

Take them on a tour of “Changeville,” a pioneering on-line resource for children 6 to 11 – whose families are breaking up. 
It’s fun and it’s FREE. 
Enter here.

Discussion

Talk about this film online with other viewers. Visit our discussion board.

Listen Online

The Current interview a couple trying colloborative divorce and the director of How To Divorce and Not Wreck The Kids. Listen to the interview online.

Facts about Divorce in Canada

  • According to lawyers in Canada and the U.S., January is the busiest month in the divorce business. And in Britain, January 8th is actually called “D Day” because that’s the day when most divorces are initiated.
  • In Canada, one in two unions fails, most before the 14-year mark.
  • Only 5 percent of couples actually sit down and tell their children they are separating, and what it will mean to them.
  • Women initiate approximately two-thirds of separations and divorces.
  • Joint Custody, when there are two loving and interested parents, works best for children.

Problems Divorced Kids Face

  • More problems with authority figures, their peers and their parents.
  • Two times more likely to develop psychological problems like anxiety, depression and self-esteem issues.
  • More marijuana and alcohol use, compared to married family children.
  • Lack of parental monitoring.
  • Divorced kids drop out of school two to three times the rate of married family children.

For suggestions in avoiding these problems read: Dr. Joan Kelly’s Top Ten Ways To Protect Your Kid’s from the Fallout of a High Conflict Break-up

Divorce Toolkit

Find out what a collaborative divorce participation agreement looks like. This is the document couples and their lawyers sign which sets the tone for collaborating, not litigating.

On the night that Sally and Lionel decided they were going to separate, they sat down together and drafted this statement, which became their guide for their own behavior as they worked through their separation. It’s a very good example for other parents.

Download a copy of Dr. Joan Kelly’s Tipsheet and hersuggestions for talking to kids about divorce.

Shared Parenting Calendar Software

Visit our resource section for more links.

About the Producers

 

HOW TO DIVORCE & NOT WRECK THE KIDS

Watch the full episode online.

43:47 minutes 

 

Producers, Maureen Palmer and Helen Slinger

Writer/Director/Producer:Maureen Palmer has spent the last eight years in the world of independent documentaries and factual entertainment, after two decades in news and current affairs at CBC Radio and Television. As an independent filmmaker she has produced several documentaries alongside How to Divorce & Not Wreck the Kids producer Helen Slinger for their Vancouver-based company,Bountiful Films including – Leaving Bountiful, Polygamy’s Lost Boys and the Bully’s Mark. Maureen has worked as a story editor, story producer, and series producer for a wide variety of North American broadcasters, including — Making It Big for the Life Network, Glutton For Punishment for the Food Network and The Week the Women Went for CBC. Her work has won several awards, from Bronze and Silver at the New York Festivals, a Jack Webster Award, the B’nai B’rith League of Human Rights Award for Best Documentary, and the Canadian Association of Journalists Award for Best Documentary.

Maureen Palmer & Divorce: Raised in Sudbury, Maureen has lived in Toronto, Edmonton and now Vancouver. She has been divorced for more than a decade. For most of that decade, Maureen flew every 2nd week or so from Vancouver to Edmonton to spend a long weekend in the basement of her old matrimonial home, where she could do the “mom” thing for her two daughters. Ex-husband, journalist Graham Thomson, made many jokes about having the “ex-wife in the basement,” but the reality was: this unorthodox relationship allowed their children to grow up with both parents in their lives as much as possible. Maureen admits to stumbling, making mistakes and acting like an adolescent at times, but her daughters Erin, 27, and Heather, 22, think mistakes were few and far between. They actually suggested this documentary, when they thanked her and their father for allowing them to grow up in a home free of conflict.

Read an interview with Maureen Palmer.

Writer/Producer: Helen Slinger is a master storyteller whose work spans three decades. Recent documentary writer/director credits include the Bully’s Mark, Embracing Bob’s Killer, and Leaving Bountiful. Helen’s written a legion of documentaries for other directors, and is a highly-respected story editor and script doctor. Various projects have won Gemini nominations, Finalist New York festivals, Platinum Award Worldfest Houston, Jury Award Yorkton Short Film & Video Festival, selection Montreal World Film Festival, selection Vancouver International Film Festival, selection Girlfest Hawaii, a Gracie Allen (Foundation of American Women In Radio & TV), RTNDA (Radio & Television News Directors) awards, and several Columbus International Film & Television Awards including the Edgar Dale Award for excellence in non-fiction screenwriting .

Helen Slinger & Divorce: Raised in Saskatoon, Helen Slinger has lived in Toronto, Victoria BC and now North Vancouver. She’s been happily divorced for more than 20 years and is the mother of one bio-daughter from that marriage. Since the divorce, Helen and her daughter’s dad have celebrated together every Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthday (hers, his, their daughter’s and his son’s from an earlier marriage). Knowing her not to be a saint, Helen’s friends initially thought she was nuts. At the time, this was not a fashionable way to divorce … and, to be clear, the divorce was not all lovey-dovey amicable. So this small c collaborative divorce was an active choice to go against the tide. Today Helen’s daughter and step-son express gratitude for the family that remained after the marriage ended and Helen feels very proud of herself and of her daughter’s dad. Tucked in with the old greetings cards around the house is a Mother’s Day card from her then 14-year-old daughter in which she lists the things she appreciates about Mom. High up on the list: “the way you get along with my dad”.

Producer: Sue Ridout chose the life of an independent producer after twenty award-winning years in network news and current affairs at both CTV and CBC Television. During her tenure as the Executive Producer of News & Current Affairs for CBC Television in Vancouver, her team won more than 100 awards. Now Sue produces and directs documentaries for broadcasters including CBC, CTV, History Channel and Knowledge Network. She has produced two other documentaries for CBC’s Doc Zone series: Embracing Bob’s Killer, about a woman who forgives the man who killed her husband; and Desperately Seeking Doctors, about the lack of family physicians in Canada. Sue uses her considerable management skills to coordinate business affairs on documentaries for other companies, like Bountiful Films.

Anger Management and Its Silver Lining

Anger Management Counseling and Anger’s Silver Lining.


A GoodTherapy.org News Summary

Because of a few high-profile individuals, anger management and aggressive outbursts have been in the public spotlight recently. They’ve spurred conversations about what anger is, what it means to lose control, and how to deal with anger. In some cases, people are also beginning to talk about the fact that anger, in and of itself, is not always a bad thing. What is anger? Mayo Clinic describes it as “a feeling of displeasure or hostility.” It functions as an alert that something is not right. People may become angry when they feel threatened. The problem with anger is not that it arises, but rather how it is handled.

The fact that anger arises at all is not the issue: but often, when a person is in a place of anger or hurt, they react with generalized accusations (“You never do what I ask!”) or aggression (slamming doors, yelling, antagonizing). Losing control to anger can change the way you think and how you feel, both physically and emotionally. This can be difficult because it takes an already volatile reaction and moves it farther away from a place of calm and control. When a person becomes angry, they can then become upset at this lack of control, which only makes them angrier.

How a person handles anger is exactly what anger management therapy is about. Reactions to anger can generally be broken into two categories: expression and suppression. Suppression is generally unhealthy, as it just bottles up the energy; it’s likely to come out later in a worse form for not having been dealt with. Expression can be done in a healthy way (calmly addressing the problem) or an unhealthy way (yelling and losing control). In anger management counseling, clients work not to avoid anger, but to understand where it comes from, why certain situations are so personally upsetting, and how to better respond without losing control.

The 3 Steps for a Successful ADHD Marriage

The 3 Steps for a Successful ADHD Marriage.

Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) can present many challenges for parents. Raising children with ADHD can be both exhilarating and exhausting. But when an ADHD child grows up and enters a relationship with another person, it can be even more taxing. Adult ADHD can be a mystery to those with ADHD and those who love them. Sometimes adults are unaware that they have ADHD and only realize after months or years of difficult and unexplained tensions in a marriage or committed relationship. Regardless of whether or not the ADHD was diagnosed in childhood or adulthood, there is hope for marriages partners dealing with it.

In a recent article, Stephanie Sarkis, Ph.D., an author and psychotherapist, says that sharing responsibilities such as finances, chores, and parenting can bring ADHD symptoms to the forefront of the relationship. How couples address the symptoms and work through the tasks has a significant impact on the severity of the ADHD and the emotional status of each partner and the relationship as a whole. The first step is to get an accurate diagnosis. Once this has happened, couples can work together to manage the symptoms, the treatment, and their shared household responsibilities.

Gina Pera, an author and expert on adult ADHD, says that having structure and simplicity is essential in an ADHD relationship. When one spouse understands the limitations of the other, they can pick and choose the chores that are best suited to each person’s capabilities. This is true in every relationship, whether there is an underlying psychological condition or not. The most important things to remember when living in an ADHD marriage are these three elements: education, action, and empathy. Pera says that couples should learn about ADHD and copy strategies other successful couples use in their marriages. Take action to overcome the hurdles and work through the problems respectfully and as a team. And finally, be understanding of each other. Pera adds, “Having empathy and compassion for each other is vitally important in these relationships.”

Source:
Sarkis, S. (2012, July 9). ADHD and marriage: An interview with Gina Pera. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/stephanie-sarkis-phd/adhd-relationships_b_1659300.html

The best of the free online budgeting tools – The Globe and Mail

I have many clients and couples who are having troubles with budgetting.

These tools may help. They are good for couples who want to share the information and “be on the same page”.

Rory

**************

 

The best of the free online budgeting tools – The Globe and Mail.

 

Enlarge this image

HOME CENTS

The best of the free online budgeting tools

CHAYA COOPERBERG

Globe and Mail Update
Posted on 

 

Last June, Home Cents looked at the various free online tools available to manage your household budget and keep track of your saving, spending and investing habits. In the past year, many new websites for managing your personal finances have emerged, two well-known services have consolidated, and this week RBC became the first Canadian bank to launch a budgeting tool, so it’s time to take another look at the best of the applications out there.

The high-profile budget tool news of the year was the acquisition of award-winning startup Mint.com by industry leader Intuit, maker of the popularQuicken tool. Intuit’s basic software for home use – Quicken Cash Manager 2010 – is still available from Intuit for $44.99. Although it is a desktop application, you can use the Web Connect feature to download your bank and credit card transactions directly into Quicken. However, the free Quicken Online application that many Canadians enjoyed has now been replaced by the Mint.com product. The Intuit team promised that the best of both applications would be combined in Mint.com. Sadly, the ability to access Canadian banks and some Canadian credit cards did not make the migration from Quicken to the new tool.

For Canadians looking for free personal finance tools online, it is a challenge to find one that can integrate with our banks and credit cards.

One that does and does it well is Wesabe. The free service offers functionality similar to that found in Mint.com, but you can sync your banking data from most large Canadian banks. If you find your financial institution is not included, you can request that Wesabe add it and it will if the financial institution provides an “export” or “download your accounts” option in a friendly format. I was able to automatically upload my banking and credit card transactions and quickly start tracking my spending habits. The program defaulted to U.S. currency, but I was able to change it to Canadian in my personal settings.

moneyStrands is another contender for Canadians. The site launched at the start of 2009, but became more accessible to Canadians over the past few months. When you sign up for an account, you can plug in your contact information, including postal code, and move on to choosing your financial institution. The major Canadian banks are available and you can get details from your online bank and card accounts to give you an instant overview of your spending. Earlier this month, moneyStrands won a Webby award in the banking/bill paying category, giving it some street cred.

Although both Wesabe and moneyStrands are secure, you may not be comfortable linking your bank account directly to the site. If you want to use a free online tool but would prefer to manually input your information, you can try BudgetPulse. It lets you organize your cash flow, expenses and bank accounts in one place, and has easy-to-understand charts and graphs that let you see how you’re spending your money month to month. You can personalize your budget by selecting your preferred currency type and timezone.

Anger Management: Anger Issues and Types

This is a very good article I found on Anger Issues and Types.
When a client begins anger management counselling with me they
complete 2 questionairres to determine:

  • The main 2 types of anger they experience and,
  • The degree to which they have a tendency to “Turn Anger Inward”.

Then we move forward with a program that includes:

  • Analysis of the “payoffs” and “costs” of their anger
  • Stress reduction/relaxation
  • CBT for anger
  • Communication skills/ negotiation
  • Assertiveness development
Rory
***************************************************************************
 

http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/articles/anger-management/

by Kate Barcus Miller, M.A.

Anger is a natural part of the human condition, but it isn’t always easy to handle. And when people don’t handle it well, the harm they do can be both visible and invisible.

Some people mask their anger. Others explode with rage. For still others, anger is a chronic condition, a habit of resentment that surfaces over and over again.

There are Ten Anger Styles:

Anger Avoidance: These people don’t like anger much. Some are afraid of their anger, or the anger of others. It can be scary and they are afraid to lose control if they get mad. Some think it’s bad to become angry. Anger avoiders gain the sense that being good or nice helps them feel safe and calm.

They have problems, though. Anger can help you to survive when something is wrong. Avoiders can’t be assertive, because they feel too guilty when they say what they want. Too often the result is that they are walked over by others.

Sneaky Anger: Anger Sneaks never let others know they are angry. Sometimes, they don’t even know how angry they are. But the anger comes out in other forms, such as forgetting things a lot, or saying they’ll do something, but never intending to follow through. Or, they sit around and frustrate everybody and their families. Anger Sneaks can look hurt and innocent and often ask, “Why are you gettting mad at me?” They gain a sense of control over their lives when they frustrate others. By doing little or nothing, or putting things off, they thwart other people’s plans. However, Anger Sneaks lose track of their own wants and needs. They don’t know what to do with their own lives and that leads to boredom, frustration, and unsatisfying relationships.

Paranoid Anger: This type of anger occurs when someone feels irrationally threatened by others. They seek aggression everywhere. They believe people want to take what is theirs. They expect others will attack them physically or verbally. Because of this belief, they spend much time jealously guarding and defending what they think is theirs – the love of a partner (real or imangined), their money, or their valuables. People with Paranoid anger give their anger away. They think everybody else is angry instead of acknowledging their own rage. They have found a way to get angry without guilt. Their anger is disguised as self-protection. It is expesive, though. They are insecure and trust nobody. They have poor judgment because they confuse their own feelings with those of others. They see their own anger in the eyes and words of their friends, mates, and co-workers. This leaves them (and everyone around them) confused.

Sudden Anger: People with sudden anger are like thunderstorms on a summer day. They zoom in from nowhere, blast everything in sight, and then vanish. Sometimes it’s only lightning and thunder, a big show that soon blows away. But often people get hurt, homes are broken up, and things are damaged that will take a long time to repair. Sudden Anger people gain a surge of power. They release all their feelings, so they feel good or relieved. Loss of control is a major problem with sudden anger. They can be a danger to themselves and others. They may get violent. They say and do things they later regret, but by then it’s too late to take them back.

Shame-Based Anger: People who need a lot of attention or are very sensitive to criticism often develop this style of anger. The slightest criticism sets off their own shame. Unfortunately, they don’t like themselves very much. They feel worthless, not good enough, broken, unloveable. So, when someone ignores them or says something negative, they take it as proof that the other person dislikes them as much as they dislike themselves. But that makes them really angry, so they lash out. They think, “You made me feel awful, so I’m going to hurt you back.” They get rid of their shame by blaming, criticizing, and ridiculing others. Their anger helps them get revenge against anybody they think shamed them. They avoid their own feelings of inadequacy by shaming others.
Raging against others to hide shame doesn’t work very well. They usually end up attacking the people they love. They continue to be oversensitive to insults because of their poor self-image. Their anger and loss of control only makes them feel worse about themselves.

Deliberate Anger: This anger is planned. People who use this anger usually know what they are doing. They aren’t really emotional about their anger, at least not at first. They like controlling others, and the best way they’ve discovered to do that is with anger and, sometimes, violence. Power and control are what people gain from deliberate anger. Their goal is to get what they want by threatening or overpowering others. This may work for a while, but this usually breaks down in the long run. People don’t like to be bullied and eventually they figure out ways to escape or get back at the bully.

Addictive Anger: Some people want or need the strong feelings that come with anger. They like the intensity even if they don’t like the trouble their anger causes them. Their anger is much more than a bad habit – it provides emotional excitement. It isn’t fun, but it’s powerful. These people look forward to the anger “rush,” and the emotional “high.” Anger addicts gain a sense of intensity and emotional power when they explode. They feel alive and full of energy. Addictions are inevitably painful and damaging. This addiction is no exception. They don’t learn other ways to feel good, so they become dependent upon their anger. They pick fights just to get high on anger. And, since they need intensity, their anger takes on an all-or-nothing pattern that creates more problems than it solves.

Habitual Anger: Anger can become a bad habit. Habitually angry people find themselves getting angry often, usually about small things that don’t bother others. They wake up grumpy. They go through the day looking for fights. They look for the worst in everything and everybody. They usually go to bed angry about something. They might even have angry dreams. Their angry thoughts set them up for more and more arguments. They can’t seem to quit being angry, even though they are unhappy. Habitually angry people gain predictibility. They always know what they feel. Life may be lousy but it is known, safe, and steady. However, they get trapped in their anger and it runs their lives. They can’t get close to the people they love because their anger keeps them away.

Moral Anger: Some people think they have a right to be angry when others have broken a rule. That makes the offenders bad, evil, wicked, sinful. They have to be scolded, maybe punished. People with this anger style feel outraged about what bad people are doing. They say they have a right to defend their “beliefs.” They claim moral superiority. They gain the sense that anger is for a good cause. They don’t feel guilty when they get angry because of this. They often feel superior to others even in their anger. These people suffer from black-and-white thinking, which means they see the world too simply. They fail to understand people who are different from themselves. They often have rigid ways of thinking and doing things. Another problem with this anger style is crusading – attacking every problem or difference of opinion with moral anger when compromise or understanding might be better.

Hate: Hate is a hardened anger. It is a nasty anger style that happens when someone decides that at least one other person is totally evil or bad. Forgiving the other person seems impossible. Instead, the hater vows to despise the offender. Hate starts as anger that doesn’t get resovled. Then it becomes resentment, and then a true hatred that can go on indefinitely. Haters often think about the ways they can punish the offender and they sometimes act on those ideas. These people feel they are innocent victims. They create a world of enemies to fight, and they attack them with great vigor and enthusiasm. However, this hatred causes serious damage over time. Haters can’t let go or get on with life. They become bitter and frustrated and their lives become mean, small and narrow.

Anger is a tricky emotion, difficult to use well until you learn how. It is a real help though, as long as you don’t get trapped in any of the anger styles aforementioned. People who use anger well have a healthy or “normal” relationship with their anger. They think of anger in the following characteristic ways:

  • Anger is a normal part of life
  • Anger is an accurate signal of real problems in a person’s life
  • Angry actions are screened carefully; you needn’t automatically get angry just because you could
  • Anger is expressed in moderation so there is no loss of control
  • The goal is to solve the problems, not just to express anger
  • Anger is clearly stated in ways that others can understand
  • Anger is temporary. It can be relinquished once an issue is resolved
  • When you practice good anger skills, you never need to use your anger as an excuse. You can take responsibility for what you say and do, even when you are mad.

The more you know about your personal anger style(s), the more control you will have over your life. You can learn to let go of excessive anger and resentment.

Katy Barcus Miller, M.A.

Types of Childhood Abuse

Reposted from the blog of Darlene Barriere.

http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/types-of-emotional-abuse.html

There are six types of emotional abuse:

    »  rejecting
    »  isolating
    »  ignoring
    »  corrupting
    »  exploiting
    »  terrorizing

One type of emotional abuse that warrants a section of its own is witnessing family violence. Due to the ever-increasing statistics of family violence, I’ve treated this topic separately. You’ll find it below underterrorizing.

  Types of emotional abuse #1: Rejecting

Putting down a child or youth’s worth or putting down their needs.

    »  constant criticism
    »  name-calling
    »  telling child he/she is ugly
    »  yelling or swearing at the child
    »  frequent belittling-use of labels such as “stupid”, “idiot”
    »  constant demeaning jokes
    »  verbal humiliation
    »  constant teasing about child’s body type and/or weight
    »  expressing regret the child wasn’t born the opposite sex
    »  refusing hugs and loving gestures
    »  physical abandonment
    »  excluding child from family activities
    »  treating an adolescent like she/he is a child
    »  expelling child from family
    »  not allowing youth to make own reasonable choices

  Types of emotional abuse #2: Isolating

Keeping a child away from family and friends.

    »  leaving child in room unattended for long periods
    »  keeping child away from family
    »  not allowing child to have friends
    »  not permitting child interaction with other children
    »  keeping child away from other caregiver if separated
    »  rewarding child for withdrawing from social contact
    »  ensuring child looks and acts differently than peers
    »  isolating child in closet
    »  insisting on excessive studying and/or chores
    »  preventing youth participating in activities outside the home
    »  punishing youth for engaging in normal social experiences

FACT:  Isolated emotional child abuse has had the lowest rate of substantiation of any of the types of emotional abuse (Kairys, 20022).

  Types of emotional abuse #3: Ignoring

Failing to give any response to or interact with a child or youth at all.

    »  no response to infant’s spontaneous social behaviours
    »  not accepting the child as an offspring
    »  denying required health care
    »  denying required dental care
    »  failure to engage child in day to day activities
    »  failure to protect child
    »  not paying attention to significant events in child’s life
    »  lack of attention to schooling, etc.
    »  refusing to discuss youth’s activities and interests
    »  planning activities/vacations without adolescent

  Types of emotional abuse #4: Corrupting

Encouraging a child or youth to do things that are illegal or harmful to themselves.

    »  rewarding child for bullying and harassing behaviour
    »  teaching racism and ethnic biases
    »  encouraging violence in sporting activities
    »  inappropriate reinforcement of sexual activity
    »  rewarding child for lying and stealing
    »  rewarding child for substance abuse and sexual activity
    »  supplying child with drugs, alcohol and other illegal substances
    »  promoting illegal activities such as selling drugs
    »  teaching and promoting prostitution

  Types of emotional abuse #5: Exploiting

Giving a child or youth responsibilities that are far greater than a child/youth that age can handle. It is also using a child for profit.

    »  infants expected not to cry
    »  anger when infant fails to meet a developmental stage
    »  child expected to be ‘caregiver’ to the parent
    »  young child expected to take care of younger siblings
    »  blaming child or youth for misbehaviour of siblings
    »  unreasonable responsibilities for jobs around the house
    »  expecting youth to support family financially
    »  encouraging participation in pornography
    »  sexually abusing child or youth
    »  requiring child or youth to participate in sexual exploitation

  Types of emotional abuse #6: Terrorizing

Causing a child or youth to be terrified by the constant use of threats and/or intimidating behaviour. This includes witnessing, which is when a child or youth observes violence, hears violence, or knows that violence is taking place in the home.

    »  with infants and children, excessive teasing
    »  yelling and scaring
    »  unpredictable and extreme responses to child’s behaviour
    »  extreme verbal threats
    »  raging, alternating with periods of artificial warmth
    »  threatening abandonment
    »  beating family members in front of or in ear range of child
    »  threatening to destroy a favourite object
    »  threatening to harm a beloved pet
    »  forcing child to watch inhumane acts against animals
    »  inconsistent demands on the child
    »  displaying inconsistent emotions
    »  changing the ‘rules of the game’
    »  threatening that the child is adopted and doesn’t belong
    »  ridiculing youth in public
    »  threats to reveal intensely embarrassing traits to peers
    »  threatening to kick adolescent out of the house

FACT:  Children and youth who witness family violence experience all sixtypes of emotional abuse.

FACT:  A 1995 telephone survey identifying types of emotional abuse suggested that by the time a child was 2 years old, 90% of families had used one or more forms of psychological aggression in the previous 12 months (Straus, 20003).

Many people including parents, members of the law enforcement community and journalists, think that infants and young children who witness violence are too young to know what happened. They don’t take it in. “They won’t remember.” In fact, infants and young children can be overwhelmed by their exposure to violence, especially-as it is likely to be the case with very young children-when both victims and perpetrators are well known and emotionally important to the child and the violence occurs in or near the child’s own home.

Osofsky, 1996

Emotional Abuse – YouTube

Emotional Abuse – YouTube.

 

www.abusoemocional.com

Stop Emotional Abuse, You Deserve Better.

We all know about Sexual Abuse. We all know about Physical Abuse. But, we know very little about Emotional Abuse.

Emotional Abuse occurs when one person emotionally and psychologically abuses another person who is in need of sincere affection. This kind of abuse takes many forms…

Your partner Undermines your self-esteem. He/she delivers mixed messages: “I love you” (I hate you.)

It’s like pushing you through a cliff and running down to catch you.

Your partner can tell you the sweetest things and the most hurtful ones at the same time.

Your partner can also humilliate you by ignoring you.

He/she might contact you only when they are bored or have some spare time, or need something specific from you.

Your partner tells you that he “loves” you, or you are special, but he/she needs an open relationship.

Your partner bluffs making you believe he intends to spend time with you, even makes plans that will never happen.

Your partner tells you beautiful things he does not really mean at all, and will compensate your tolerance with small tender gifts.

Emotional abuse also occurs through financial dependency. One partner does not let the other be financially independent.

Or through intellectual and manipulative mind games. Abusers tend to play the victim or they take offense quickly.

They invariably put the blame on others, or on the world, or on their luck, or situation.

They acuse their partners of not understanding them, or not understanding their needs, creating a sense of lack of sensitivity on your part.

Abusers are extremely possessive and jealous. They need to control other people’s lives but will never show it.

They will pretend what you do with your life is non of their business.

Abusers often have several superficial relationships with other people. They escape reality and tend to live in fantasyland.

Abusers may be described as having a dual personality: they can be either charming or exceptionally cruel.

A major characteristic of abusers is their capacity to deceive others. They can be cool, calm, charming and convincing: a true con person.

Most of the time, they also deceive themselves. They are unable or choose not to see reality as is it.

Emotional Abusers do not acknowledge the harm they cause.

Some people abuse others emotionally because that’s what they learned.
They were victims of emotional abuse and neglect themselves.

These abusers can grow out of their abusive pattern and explore healthier ways to relate to others.

Some are aware of what they do and do not intend to change.

But the worse problem about emotional abuse is the fact that many people let others abuse them.

Stop.

Think.

Are you not worth of a healthy relationship?
Are you not worth of sincere love and affection?
Are you not worth of an honest partner?

Don’t let others abuse you.
Turn your back on abuse.
Walk away from abusers.

If you are a victim of emotional abuse, seek help.

You cannot change an abuser, but maybe a professional therapist can.

Quit the game.

Don’t let an emotional abuser put you down.

Some have a hurtful way to create emotional codependency just by telling you exactly the sweet words you need to hear.

Don’t believe their words. Believe their concrete actions.

Does your partner’s words and promises match his/her actions?
Does your partner tell you he/she loves you and you are special but goes on with his life, ignoring you and ignoring your feelings?

You don’t need an abuser in your life.

You deserve someone who will love you and respect you for who you are, not for what they can get from you.

Even if it’s just attention.

Don’t fall for empty promises.
Abusers commit abuse because they know you will always give them another chance.
Don’t do it.

Choose to Love Yourself First.

Money making you crazy? Therapy the answer?

If your relationship with money is making you crazy, therapy might be the answer – Winnipeg Free Press.

 

By: Carolin Vesely

Dr. Moira Somers helps people to wake up to their financial reality. (JOHN WOODS/WINNIPEG FREE PRESS)

It’s one of the longest and most important relationships you’ll have in your life — and one where your love and devotion is guaranteed to go unrequited.

But forget about breaking up, because even if you don’t care too much for money, we’re talking about a till-death-do-you-part union. So if you and your bank account aren’t getting along, maybe it’s time for some financial psychotherapy.

You’re obviously the one with all the baggage. But Dr. Moira Somers can help you unpack it and sort through the emotional, motivational and interpersonal reasons you treat money the way you do.

“I help people make friends with their financial lives,” says Somers, a Winnipeg-based psychologist, life coach and “financial recovery expert.”

Financial psychology, like neuroeconomics and behavioural finance, is an emerging field that explores how people make decisions around money. As with food, our relationship with cold, hard cash is complicated and can bring out strong emotions and irrational behaviour. Money is at the core of most of our fears and anxieties. And it can destroy our relationships, our self-esteem and our health.

People repeatedly identify it as the biggest source of stress in their lives, says Somers.

Painful stress around money, she says, tends to show up in a lot of disordered behaviour, such as chronic debt, overspending, under-earning and using money as a means, unconsciously and inadvertently, to exercise power and control.

“It’s a complex topic,” Somers says. “Money is this vital life resource, which is good at doing what it was meant to — provide for our physical comfort and safety — but we embed it with power and emotional security, or we imbue it with evil and sin.

“And we ask money all the time to do things it was never intended to do.”

Things such as affirm our self-worth, comfort us (retail therapy, anyone?), distract us from nagging insecurities or fill an inner void.

In her new book, Geneen Roth, the author of the New York Times bestseller Women, Food and God who lost her life savings in the Bernie Madoff scam, offers insight into how unconscious relationships with money are akin to those with food.

In Lost and Found: Unexpected Revelations about Food and Money, Roth, a self-proclaimed shirker of fiscal responsibility, draws comparisons between what made her a compulsive eater and what put her in a “financial haze.”

“We are one integrated system and we express the things we believe through the various actions we take — like shopping, spending and eating,” the author said in recent interview with Time.com. “If someone feels a lack of self-worth, this will manifest in many different areas of his or her life.”

While there’s no shortage of good financial or dieting advice, Roth said, it’s hard to follow it until you become aware that you’re using money (or food) for emotional reasons.

“When linear objective advice meets emotional needs,” she told Time.com, “the latter always wins.”

We all have a money story that began in childhood, when we developed a belief system around money, Somers says. “Depending on the many scripts that are embedded in childhood experience, or embedded by our culture, we end up making decisions based on those beliefs.”

Under-earners, for example, are self-saboteurs who don’t live up to their earning potential because they may have a hard time asking for what they’re worth, Somers says. They may earn $10 an hour or pull in six figures a year, but they tend to live paycheque to paycheque, are often in debt, and have “a high tolerance for low pay.”

People who believe money is scarce may cling to it and become rigid and unyielding in that part of their life. Somers says she has worked with families of “tremendous wealth” who have this script operating to some extent.

People in helping professions are often conflicted about money, she says, because the desire to help and the need to make a living can feel at odds with each other. To compensate, they’ll sometimes take on too many clients or overload their schedules with pro bono work.

Children who witness their parents fight about money may grow up to be adults who view it as inherently problematic and who make a decision, conscious or otherwise, to kind of tune out financially, Somers says.

Money scripts are often born out of emotional pain, she says, and a desire to protect the self from further pain. Which is why so many people just kind of go unconscious with respect to their finances.

Somers helps people wake up to their financial reality in several ways. In addition to one-on-one or couples psychotherapy, she also offers money coaching — where your psyche and your financial records get probed and you end up with a financial plan to follow — a tele-seminar series on women and money, and workshops on couples and cash and raising financially savvy kids.

Money, she says, is a vital life resource, “but it’s also a bounded resource, like time and energy. It really helps to get conscious about how you want to direct and spend it.”

My sister’s ticked that I’m not happy about her pregnancy

My sister’s ticked that I’m not happy about her pregnancy – The Globe and Mail.

David Eddie: Damage Control

The question

My sister is pregnant. Again. She just bought a home (in the burbs), but is deep in debt. The house needs all kinds of renovations, and both she and her husband work two jobs. My nephew, who is 1.5 years old, is woefully underdeveloped. He hates to leave his mother’s arms, so doesn’t walk very well and is a bit underweight. And he doesn’t say a peep.

More related to this story

I could not be more different from my sis. I live downtown with my boyfriend and we’re saving marriage for after we’ve travelled and are debt-free. I can’t imagine responsibly having a child until I’m more stable, say in my mid- to late 30s. So when my sister told me the news, I asked questions like, ‘Are you sure this is the right time?’ ‘What about the health risks?’ (She has high blood pressure.) She hung up on me. I don’t think she’s looking at the reality of the situation, but I feel terrible about not being more supportive. What should I do?

The answer

Uh, how about … be more supportive?

Now, before I continue, I want to say that I work hard to make Damage Control a judgment-free zone. When someone does me the honour of writing in and saying, “Dear Dave, I made a mistake,” I try to be like: “We all do, it’s confusing down here.” And only then: “Here’s what I think you should do.”

But I do make an exception when someone doesn’t really seem to understand how or where they’re screwing up, or that they’re even screwing up in the first place – which certainly seems to be the case here.

So here we go: First of all, we parents don’t say a toddler is “1.5 years old.” We say “18 months.” And for an 18-month-old to be quiet, a little unsteady on his pins and attached to his mother sounds pretty normal to me – even rather ideal.

You say he’s “a little underweight.” And obviously that would be a cause for concern. But why do I get the feeling if he gained a few pounds, you’d start saying he’s “tragically obese”?

In any case, “woefully underdeveloped” sounds like pure histrionics and way out of line. Everyone loves to fill the air with opinions about parenting – until they have kids themselves. That tends to shuts them up.

But it’s not just your sister’s parenting you appear to pooh-pooh. It’s everything: the fact that she lives in the suburbs, the way she and her husband manage their finances, the state of their home, the state of her health, even how hard they work.

If they had a dog, you’d probably say they don’t wash it often enough.

Need I add that when someone announces they’re pregnant it’s a little late to be urging planned parenthood and birth control – the exact wrong time, in fact.

I’m not surprised she hung up on you.

Sister, at the very minimum, you need to step back, let your sister live her life and worry more about your own.

I’m happy for you that you and your downtown boyfriend plan to travel the world, emerging just in time for him to fertilize your perfectly ripened ovaries in an atmosphere of maturity, good parenting, low blood pressure and debt-free fiscal responsibility. (“Debt-free.” Sigh: Wouldn’t that be nice? I’ve heard of people who are debt-free, but never met one personally. I’m beginning to suspect they’re a myth, like the Yeti or Ogopogo.)

But have you ever heard the old Yiddish saying: “Man plans, God laughs”? What if one or both of you lose your jobs? What if, after all of your globetrotting, you find you can no longer afford your downtown rent and lifestyle?

What if, during your travels, your boyfriend falls for a topless Penelope Cruz look-alike on a beach in Ibiza, and *poof* disappears? And you decide to cope with your loss by drinking excessively and noshing on family-sized bags of high-sodium chips?

You may find yourself 38, single, broke, in debt, your biological clock ticking madly as you e-date one doofus after another – and with blood pressure through the roof.

And you know what you’ll need then? A supportive family. Particularly a sister who will listen to your woes, set you up with a decent dude, maybe slip you a little cheddar.

And that’s what your sister needs now. A little support to get her through what is obviously a slightly rocky time in her life. And you’re not giving it to her.

So stop criticizing, eschew the pooh-poohing and pitch in. Offer to babysit, bring over a frozen lasagna, roll up your sleeves and help fix up the place.

Whatever it takes. You have, I can tell, plenty of time and unused energy on your hands. Put it to good use!

David Eddie is the author of Chump Change, Housebroken: Confessions of a Stay-at-Home Dad and Damage Control, the book.

I’ve made a huge mistake

Have you created any damage that needs controlling? Send your dilemmas to [email protected], and include your hometown and a daytime contact number so we can follow up with any queries.