How to Mend a Relationship With an Estranged Child

Being estranged from your adult son or daughter can be extremely painful. Repairing a relationship is possible, but it takes time and will require patience. As the parent to your son or daughter, recognize that the first steps to repair the relationship fall on you to try to initiate contact, whether or not you believe you did anything wrong to cause the estrangement. Honor the boundaries your adult child has set with regards to your relationship and do not push back against them, but set your own boundaries as well. Learn to accept your adult child for who they are, and acknowledge their independence and ability to make their own choices.

Method 1

Reaching Out to Your Child

  1. Image titled Help Your Daughter Get Over a Bad Breakup Step 4
    1
    Be clear on what went wrong. Before you attempt to reconnect with your child, it may be helpful to find out why your adult child is upset or angry with you. You may be able to get the information directly from your child, or you may need to find out from someone else who knows the situation. In order to mend fences, find out the problem first.[1]

    • Once you have a sense of what has gone wrong, you will have some time to think through your next steps, and what you want to communicate to your son or daughter.
    • Reach out to your adult child and ask. You could say, “Renee, I know you aren’t speaking to me right now, and I would like to know what I have done to hurt you. Could you please let me know? It’s okay if you don’t want to talk to me, but please write or email. I can’t fix the problem if I don’t know what it is.”
    • If you do not hear a response from your son or daughter, you could get in touch with another family member or mutual friend who might know what’s going on. You could say, “Jack, have you talked to your sister lately? She’s not speaking to me, and I can’t find out what the problem is. Do you know what’s going on?”
    • While discovering the reason behind the estrangement would be optimal, be aware that you may not be able to find out what is going on. However, don’t let that stop you from pursuing reconnecting with your child.
  2. 2
    Do some self-reflection. Spend some time thinking about the reasons behind the estrangement. Was it triggered by something from the past? Has there recently been a huge change of life that caused the rift (such as a death in the family, or a birth of a child)? Perhaps you even refused to communicate with your child for a period of time, and now find your child unwilling to communicate with you.

    • Keep in mind that many adult children become estranged from their parents because of their parents’ broken marriage. Children from a broken marriage experienced their parents prioritizing their happiness over the needs of the child (even if the divorce was for the best). Often, in these types of situations parents may speak badly about the other parent not realizing that their children are absorbing everything that is being said. This can have a drastic negative effect on the type of relationship an adult child may have with their parents. Especially, if there was was one parent that had little to no contact during the child’s upbringing. Adult children of divorce may be dealing with the pain of feeling like a low priority to their parents.
  3. 3
    Put the ball in your own court. Whether you have done anything wrong or not, parents are generally the ones who have to take the first steps toward reconciling with their estranged children. Look past the unfairness of the issue and leave your ego behind. If you want to reconnect with your child, know that you will need to be the one to reach out…and continue reaching out.[2]

    • Whether your child is fourteen or forty, they still want to know that they are loved and valued by their parents. A way to show you love and value them is that you are willing to fight for your relationship. Keep this in mind if you struggle with the unfairness of the burden of work it takes to reconnect.
  4. 4
    Contact your child. While you may want to meet with them in person right away, it may feel less intrusive to your son or daughter if you reach out via phone call, email, or letter. Honor their need for distance and give them the opportunity to respond at the time of their choosing. Be patient and allow a few days for your child’s response.

    • Rehearse what you want to say before making a phone call. Be prepared to leave a voicemail, too. You could say, “Tommy, I would really like for us to get together to talk about how you’re feeling. Would you be willing to meet with me sometime?”
    • Send an email or text message. You could write something like, “I understand you’re dealing with a lot of pain right now, and I am so sorry that I have hurt you. When you are ready, I hope you would be willing to meet with me to talk about it. Please let me know when you are. I love and miss you.”
  5. 5
    Write a letter. Your child may be unwilling to meet with you. If that’s the case, you could decide to write them a letter. Apologize for the hurt you’ve caused, and acknowledge that you understand why they feel the way they do.

    • Writing a letter can be therapeutic for you, too. It clarifies your feelings and helps you regulate your emotions. Plus, you can take as much time as you need to get your words just the way you want them.[3]
    • Suggest that the two of you meet when they are ready. You could write, “I know you are upset right now, but I hope that, in the future, we can get together and talk about this. My door is always open.”
  6. 6
    Accept limits they set. Your adult child may be open to communicating with you, but not be ready for a face-to-face meeting (and may never be). They may only want to email you or talk on the phone. Avoid guilt-tripping your child while keeping the door open for future encounters down the road.

    • If you are in an email-only relationship with your adult child, you could write, “I’m very happy that we are communicating via email these days. I hope we can get to the point where we feel comfortable reconnecting in person, but no pressure.”
Method 2

Having a First Conversation

  1. 1
    Arrange for a meeting. If your adult child is willing to talk with you in person, get together in a public place for a meal. Sharing a meal in public is a good idea, as you will be more likely to hold your emotions in check, and sharing a meal with someone is an act of building community.[4]

    • Make sure it is just the two of you meeting. Do not bring your spouse or other supportive person along. It may give your son or daughter the sense that they are being ganged up on.
  2. 2
    Let your adult child lead the conversation. Listen to your child’s concerns without arguing against them or becoming defensive. They may also come to your meeting expecting an apology right away. If you sense that is the case, do so.[5]

    • It may be helpful to start off your meeting with an apology to let your adult child know that you understand that you caused them pain, and give them a sense of “leveling the playing field.” Once you apologize, you could ask your child to tell you more about what they have been feeling.
  3. 3
    Listen to your child without judgment. Remember that their point of view is valid, even if you disagree with it. Healing can occur when a person feels listened to and understood, and you remain open to their perspective.[6]

    • Listening without judgment and defensiveness allows a person to be honest in their responses. What you hear may be extremely hurtful to you, but understand that your child probably needs to say it and get their feelings out.
    • You could say, “I feel so terrible that I made you feel this way, and I want to understand. Can you tell me more?”
  4. 4
    Shoulder your share of the blame. Understand that you can’t get far in reconciliation without acknowledging how you may have contributed to problem. Adult children want their parents to take responsibility for their actions. Be willing to do so, whether or not you believe you are/were wrong.[7]

    • While you may not understand why your son or daughter is upset with you, recognize that they are. Don’t try to defend your behavior. Listen instead, and apologize for causing them pain.[8]
    • Try to understand where your child is coming from. Showing empathy doesn’t mean you agree with someone, just that you understand their perspective. Understanding their perspective is an important part of resolving conflict.[9]
    • You could say, “I know I pushed you a lot growing up. I wanted you to be successful. But I can understand how you thought that I was never happy with you. That is not at all what I intended, and it is not at all true. But I can see how my behavior made you think that.”
  5. 5
    Avoid discussing your feelings about the estrangement. While it may seem unfair, now is not the time to bring up your sadness and pain around not being able to communicate with your child. Recognize that they needed some space to deal with their emotions and sort some things out. Bringing up your feelings of sadness, anger, and resentment may make your adult child feel like they are being guilt-tripped, and they may feel less likely to re-enter into a relationship.

    • You could say something like, “I’ve missed talking to you, but I know sometimes you need to take some space.”
    • Do not say anything like, “I’ve been so depressed that you haven’t called me” or “Do you know the agony that I have been through, not hearing from you?”
  6. 6
    Apologize. A good apology must clearly name what you did wrong (so that the listener knows you understand), express remorse, and offer to make amends in some way. Offer your son or daughter a heartfelt apology that acknowledges the pain you have caused them. Remember, apologize even if you believe your actions to be correct. The point is now about your child’s pain, not whether someone is right or wrong.[10]

    • You could say, “Tina, I’m so sorry I hurt you so badly. I know you had to deal with a lot when I was drinking. I feel terrible that I made so many mistakes in your childhood. I understand you wanting to keep your distance from me, but I hope we can work through it.”
    • Do not make any attempts to justify your action when apologizing, even if you believe you have a legitimate excuse for the action you took. For example, “I’m sorry I slapped you five years ago, but I did it because you talked back to me,” is not an apology and puts the other person on the defensive.
    • Remember that an effective, genuine apology apologizes for your action rather than someone else’s reaction. For example, “I’m sorry that my behavior hurt you,” is an effective apology. “I’m sorry if you got hurt,” is not. Never use “if” in an apology.[11]
  7. 7
    Consider family therapy. If your adult child is willing, you may wish to seek out family therapy together in order to discuss your feelings in the presence of a trained professional. A marriage and family therapist will guide family members to identify dysfunctional family behaviors and develop their own solutions to a problem. Family therapy also works to acknowledge and enhance the connections family members have with each other.[12]

    • Family therapy is generally short-term and focuses on one problem plaguing the family. You or your child may be encouraged to see a therapist separately to focus on individual concerns.
    • To find a marriage and family therapist, you could ask your family doctor for recommendations, ask your community resource center or health department, or look online for a therapist near you.
Method 3

Respecting and Establishing Boundaries

  1. 1
    Start slowly. Resist the urge to jump back into a relationship. In most cases, a broken relationship won’t mend overnight. Depending on whether the root cause of the estrangement is mild or severe, it could take weeks, months, or even years to return to “normal.” You may also find a new normal.[13]

    • Keep in mind that you may need to have several hard conversations about the estrangement as both of you process your feelings. It is unlikely that you will have just one conversation, and then everything will be back the way it was.
    • Increase contact slowly. Meet your child alone in public places at first. Don’t invite them to loaded family events, like holiday parties, unless they seem ready and willing to attend.
    • You could say, “We’d love to have you join us at Thanksgiving, but I completely understand if you don’t want to. No hard feelings if you don’t, I know you need to take your time.”
  2. 2
    Recognize that your child is an adult. Your child is now an adult, capable of making their own decisions. You may not agree with some of their decisions, but you need to let your adult child be independent and live their own life. Meddling in your adult child’s life may have caused your child to put some distance between the two of you.[14]

    • Don’t offer unsolicited advice. Resist the urge to fix your child’s life and let them make their own mistakes.
  3. 3
    Avoid giving parenting advice. Parents can be easily upset by outside parenting advice, however well-intentioned it was meant to be. Do not offer your opinion unless asked. You’ve already raised your children, now give the next generation a chance to raise theirs.[15]

    • Let your child know that you will respect and defer to their parenting values and wishes. For example, if your grandchildren are limited to an hour of TV a day, let their parents know that you will abide by that rule in your house as well, or ask them first if it the rule needs to be broken.
  4. 4
    Seek counseling for yourself. Dealing with an estranged child can be a very stressful, painful event in your life. It may be worth seeking out a qualified mental health professional to help you deal with your emotions and develop effective communication and coping strategies.[16]

    • You may wish to find a therapist who specializes in family issues. Keep in mind, however, that your individual therapist may refer you to a different therapist if you would like to have you and your child work out your issues with a counselor present. This is so the counselor can remain objective.
    • You may also be able to find assistance in online support group forums. You will be able find other people dealing with similar issues, and can talk through your problems and share success stories.
  5. 5
    Be persistent, but not overbearing. If your son or daughter is refusing to respond to your attempts to communicate, keep trying. Send cards, write emails, or leave voicemails, letting them know you are thinking about them and want to talk.[17]

    • Make sure you give the person some space, however, and respect their need for privacy and distance. Contact them no more frequently than once a week, and reduce contact if you find out that your adult child finds this intrusive. But continue to stay in touch.
    • You could say, “Hi, Marisa, just wanted to say a quick hello and let you know I was thinking about you. I hope you’re doing well. I miss you. You know you can come to me whenever you want to talk. I love you.”
    • Don’t try to visit them. Acknowledge their boundaries and keep up with less intrusive forms of contact.
  6. 6
    Let go if necessary. Your adult child may see even your less intrusive attempts at getting in touch as overstepping boundaries and being too much. They may still not want to have anything to do with you, even if you have apologized and acknowledged your actions. In that case, it may be best to come to a place of acceptance for the sake of your own mental health, and step back from pursuing a relationship.

    • Put the ball in your child’s court. Send a note or leave a voicemail that says something like, “Peter, I understand that you want me to stop contacting you. Though it upsets me, I will respect that and will not contact you after this. If you ever want to reconnect, I will be here, but I will honor your wishes and not be in touch again. I love you.”
    • Keep in mind that reconciliation may be difficult in cases of substance abuse, mental illness, or an unhealthy relationship in your child’s marriage/partnership (for example, your child is married to a controlling spouse). Your estrangement may only be the result of these problems, but you may not be able to do anything about it until your child addresses these underlying issues.
    • If your child requests no contact at all, consider finding a therapist to help you work through your grief. This is difficult terrain to navigate, and you may find yourself needing additional support.
Method 4

Accepting Who They Are

  1. 1
    Accept that your child sees life from a different perspective. You all may have lived in the same house and spent most of your days together, but one person’s perception of a situation could still be completely different than another’s. Acknowledge that your adult child’s recollection or perspective is just as valid as yours.

    • A person’s view of the situation may be totally different based on age, the power dynamic, or closeness of relationships. For example, moving to a new city may have been great for you, but your children may have struggled because they had no choice but to tag along.[18]
    • Separate realities are a part of family life. For example, when you were a child, your parents may have taken you to a museum. Their memory of the day may be of interesting exhibits and a fun family outing. You may remember being too hot in your coat and that the dinosaur skeletons scared you. Neither your or your parents’ recollection is invalid, they are just different points of view.[19]
  2. 2
    Accept each other’s differences. You may be estranged because one, the other, or both of you do not approve of the other’s life choices. While you may not be able to do much about your child’s attitude toward you, you can show your child that you accept them for who they are, no matter what.[20]

    • Take steps to show your child your change of heart. For example, if your child is gay, and you belong to a conservative congregation, find a congregation that is more liberal and accepting.
    • You could let your child know that you are reading a certain book to try to understand their point of view.
    • If your child is not speaking to you because they disapprove of your life choices, it will be more difficult. Be firm and confident in who you are, and keep showing them you love them. Do your best to keep communicating with them and looking for opportunities to see them.
  3. 3
    Respect their right to disagree with you. You don’t have to change your opinions or beliefs, just refrain from showing disrespect for theirs. You can disagree with someone and still respect and love them. Not everyone’s opinion needs to be the same.[21]

    • Honor their differences of opinion as best you can. If you are religious and your adult child is an atheist, for example, you could decide to skip church the weekend they are visiting.
    • Find different topics of conversation than your contentious issues. If your adult child starts to engage you in conversation on topics that have made you argue in the past, you could say, “Will, let’s agree to disagree on this for right now. I think the only thing we do when we talk about this is upset each other.”

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This article was co-authored by Mental Health America. Mental Health America is the nation’s leading community-based nonprofit dedicated to addressing the needs of those living with mental illness and promoting overall mental health for all. Their work is guided by the Before Stage 4 philosophy – that mental health conditions should be treated long before they reach the most critical points in the disease process. This article has been viewed 349,503 times.
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Stress Relief 5 Easy Resolutions

Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW: Stress Relief For 2012: 5 Easy Resolutions That Will Stick!.

The new year is up on the calendar. Will this be another year that you vow to start exercising only to drop your gym membership by Valentine’s Day? Remember the year you were determined to start flossing? Take vitamins? Give up soda?

Studies show that even people with life threatening illnesses are not successful at creating lasting permanent lifestyle changes. Why? Because change is hard work! It takes a tsunami of sustainable energy to effect long term, lasting change.

But what if the changes were such simple shifts of attention that they required virtually no effort? And what if they were prompted by activities that you already do so that you won’t forget? And what if, on top of all that, they actually made your life better?

Sound too good to be true? It’s not! Implement even one of these five simple practices into your day and you’ll find yourself happier and less stressful.

Hint: Use strategically placed Post-it reminders for the first few weeks until these healthy habits become automatic.

While You’re Brushing Your Teeth: “Morning Glory”
 As you brush your teeth, think of three things that you’ll be facing in your day. Think, “I will open myself with curiosity to __________” (the meeting, the parent/teacher conference or the luncheon, for example). Set your intention to be open and curious to the events of your upcoming day, rather than negative or judgmental. When you cultivate positive emotions, you de-stress your body and meet your day with optimism!
1 of 7

Why It’s So Hard to Find Your Life’s Purpose

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/douglas-labier/life-purpose_b_862192.html

Every being is intended to be on earth for a certain purpose.”
— Sa’di, 12th Century Persian poet

I’m often asked, “Why can’t I find the purpose of my life?” Over the decades I’ve heard many men and women — whether they’re psychotherapy patients working to build healthier lives or business executive trying to create healthier leadership — say at some point that they don’t know what they’re really here, for, on this planet. They’re not necessarily religious or spiritually inclined, but they feel a longing for that “certain something” that defines and integrates their lives.

Many turn to the various books and programs purport to identify their life’s purpose, but most come away dissatisfied. No closer than they were before, they identify with Bono’s plaintive cry in the U2’s song, “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.”

And yet, many do find and live in harmony with their life’s purpose. Here are some of my observations about why many don’t, and how they differ from those who do.

First, I think everyone feels a pull towards some defining purpose to his or her life, no matter how much it may have become shrouded over along the way. In fact, you can say that all forms of life, all natural phenomena, have some purpose. There’s always movement or evolution towards some kind of outcome or fulfillment — whether it’s a tree that produces fruit or clouds that form to produce rain. But we humans become so enraptured by our daily activity, engagements, goals and so forth, that our awareness of our own unique life purpose is easily dimmed.

And there are consequences to not knowing or finding your purpose. I often see men
and women who’ve become successful in their work or relationships — their outer lives — and yet they feel hollow, empty, unfulfilled. They describe feeling “off-track” in some way, or incomplete, despite a conventionally successful life. Sometimes they wonder if they’ve been on the “wrong” path all along — chosen the wrong career, or the wrong life partner. Or that perhaps they haven’t realized that their chosen path could be more meaningful or purposeful to them, if they let it. Moreover, they wonder how you can tell the difference?

One thing is clear: The consequences of not finding your purpose include chronic, lingering dissatisfaction; an absence of inner peace and a sense of not being fully in sync with your inner self. That’s because your true inner self knows that your life purpose is out of sync with your outer life. The latter is often a false self, but you’ve identified with it because it’s been so rewarding to your ego.

I think most people retain at least a glimmer of awareness of their life’s purpose within their inner being. It often feels like a leaning, an inclination, that continues to pull at you. Sometimes is right in front of your eyes but you don’t allow yourself to see it, like when you’re hunting for your missing keys and then discover that they’ve been right in front of you the whole time. For example, an investment advisor found himself doing more and more work with charity organizations. He finally realized that what he felt most in sync with was hands-on work helping people. That was the part he enjoyed about his work, not the money managing per se. Helping people was his true calling, and it was staring him in the face the whole time.

Those who experience a clear inclination but don’t pursue or fulfill it remain incomplete and dissatisfied. But it’s important not to confuse seeking happiness with finding your purpose. Happiness is what you experience in the daily flow of life — the highs and lows that are situational. They will fluctuate. But purpose is deeper. It’s more of an underlying sense of peace and fulfillment overall, a sense of integration and continuous unfoldment of your being. It transcends everyday ups and downs, the disappointments or successes, even. When you’re living in accordance with your life’s purpose, you view all of the above as part of what you encounter along the road. They don’t distract you from that larger vision, your ideal, which is like a magnet steadily pulling you towards it.

Themes Of People Who Find Their Purpose

There are commonalities among those who find their true purpose for being. One major theme is that they aren’t very preoccupied with self-interest, in their ego-investments in what they do. That can sound contradictory. How can you find your life purpose if you’re not focused on yourself? The fact is, when you’re highly focused on yourself, with getting your goals or needs met — whether in your work or relationships — your purpose becomes obscured. Your ego covers it, like clouds blocking the sun. Self-interest, or ego in this sense, is part of being human, of course. It’s something that requires effort and consciousness to move through and let go of, so you don’t become transfixed by it, as the Sirens sought to do to Ulysses.

Letting go of self-interest opens the door to recognizing your true self, more clearly, so you can see whether it’s joined with your outer life and creates a sense of purpose — or clashes with it. Knowing who you are inside — your true values, secret desires, imagination; your capacity for love, empathy, generosity — all relate to and inform your life purpose.

A second theme of those who discover their life purpose is that they use their mental and creative energies to serve something larger than themselves. That is, they’re like the lover who simply gives love for its own sake, without regard for getting something in return, without asking to be loved back or viewing his actions as a transaction or investment. That can be hard to imagine in our mercantile society, but giving your mental, emotional and creative energy from the heart comes naturally when you serve something larger than your self-interest. It beckons you; it calls forth your spirit.

This theme of service to something larger than your ego, larger than “winning” the fruits of what you’re aiming for, takes many forms in people. For some, their service and sense of purpose is embodied in the work that they do every day. That is, what they do reflects the paradox of not directly aiming to achieve something, because doing so only fuels the ego. This theme is described by John Kay, former Director of Oxford’s Business School, in “Obliquity.” There, he shows examples of achieving business or career goals by pursuing them indirectly; by deliberately not pursuing them. That is, too much self-interest tends to undermine success. It’s the difference between passion in the service of creating a new product, rather than trying to capture a big market share from the product.

Service towards something beyond ego is always visible in those who’ve found their purpose, whether younger and older. Sometimes it’s by conscious intent. For example, letting go of a previous path when they awaken to it’s not being in sync with their inner self. Sometimes it’s triggered by unanticipated events that answers an inner yearning

One example is a 20-something woman who, disenchanted with college, returned home and happen to join up with some other musician and artist friends. That led, in turn, to creating a nonprofit organization, the GoodMakers Street Team, a group of passionate young adults who are bringing positive change to communities. Older people are also discovering a newly-found life purpose. For example, the rise of “encore careers” and projects or engagements that they discover are more in sync with their inner selves; and perhaps have lingered in the background of their lives for years.

Sometimes one’s purpose is awakened by a tragedy one learns about, such as person who become moved by victims of torture and discovered his life’s purpose in helping them. Or, a tragedy one experiences, like John Walsh, whose nationally-known work in criminal justice was spurred by the murder of his young son.

Some Guidelines

If you work towards weakening the stranglehold of self-interest, you can take an important step towards discovering your life’s purpose: Learning from your choices and way of life. That is, they can give you important feedback about the path you’ve been on, in relation to your deeper life purpose.

    1. Begin by examining what you’re currently doing in your choices, way of life, and commitments, looking from “outside” yourself. Try to discern what the outcomes — whether successes or failures — reveal to you about your inner self. Look for where there seems to be resonance or not. That is, don’t try to “find” your purpose by tweaking or fine-tuning what you’ve been doing in your work, relationships or anything else. Instead, let all of that teach you what it can. That is, look at what it tells you about your longings, your inner vision and predilections that you might be trying to express through your outer life, even if the latter may be an incorrect vehicle.
    1. When you do feel a pull towards some purpose, activity or goal that you feel reflects your inner self, then pursue it fully and vigorously, and with great intent. Keep looking for the feedback your actions give you along the way. It doesn’t matter if your purpose is something more concrete or more spiritual. If you pursue it with minimal self-interest, with “obliquity,” you will learn from what happens if it’s the true path for you or not.
  1. Infuse all of your actions with a spirit of giving, of service; in effect, with love for what you’re engaging with. That includes all the people you interact with, as well. The more you consciously infuse your thoughts, emotions and behavior with positive, life-affirming energy – kindness, compassion, generosity, justice – you’re keeping your ego at bay and you’re able to see your true purpose with greater clarity.

Of course, this is hard, and you might encounter opposition from cultural pressures or others who have their own interests at stake. Keep in mind, here, something Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote:

Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.

The Sufi spiritual leader Hazrat Inayat Khan, who brought his teachings to the U.S. and Western Europe in the early 1900s, described the pull of your purpose in an interesting way. He wrote that one

…may suddenly think during the night, “I must go to the north,” and in the morning, he sets out on his journey. He does not know why, he does not know what he is to accomplish there, he only knows that he must go. By going there, he finds something that he has to do and sees that it was the hand of destiny pushing him towards the accomplishment of that purpose which inspired him to go to the north.

I find that men and women who set out to “go north” and awaken to their life purpose radiate a calm inner strength, inspiration, power and success in whatever they do with their lives. It radiates to all around them.

* * * * *Douglas LaBier, Ph.D., a business psychologist and psychotherapist, is Director of the Center for Progressive Development in Washington, D.C. You may email him at [email protected]